Reflections of a King
by Cleodasia
Summary: In Purgatory, Vegeta no Ou (Vegeta the King) must relive every moment of his life, including the events leading to his son's kidnapping by Frieza: A/U references to male/male relationships
1. Default Chapter

Author: Cleodasia  
  
Summary: Vegeta no Ou has a visitor in Purgatory.  
  
Warnings: A/U; Vegeta no Ou's POV; references to male/male relationships  
  
Archiving/Comments/Suggestions/Complaints/ Ideas/Flames: You can get in touch with me at cleodasia@yahoo.com!  
  
Thanks in advance for reading/reviewing!  
  
Reflections of a King (chapter 1)  
  
Purgatory is what they call it. Hell is more like it. Vegeta no Ou, sitting in the middle of nowhere, with nothing but a tree and my thoughts for company. The King of the (former) Planet Vegetasei, forced to relive every moment of my life, from beginning to end, over and over again. Every heartache, every mistake, everything. Even the good memories only serve to remind me just how horrible my failure truly was.  
  
My keepers come by often to check on me, to see how I've progressed at letting go of my regrets. They attempt to reassure me, reminding me that my destination is Heaven, not Hell, but that there is no room in heaven for regrets.  
  
It doesn't matter. I'll never get there. If I sat here for all of eternity, I wouldn't even be close to naming off all of my mistakes, much less letting them go anywhere.  
  
Strangely enough, I had a visitor today, the first in nearly thirty years. The young man had a way about him.I think he's one of those people who makes you feel better just because. You don't know why, just because.  
  
When I first saw him, I mistook him for his father. My heart nearly leapt out of my chest at the sight of that familiar spiked hair, and I immediately jumped to my feet. As he neared, I realized that the innocent, unscarred face belonged not to Bardock, but to his youngest son, Kakarrot.  
  
He introduced himself to me, and actually apologized for interrupting! He bowed deeply with great respect. I was so touched that I hugged him. He became embarrased, and put his hand behind his head in a familiar gesture of confusion. Kakarrot looked at me with his soulful, ebony eyes and said, "I can't believe how much you look like MY Vegeta."  
  
I laughed and responded, "Well, I could say the same about you and MY Bardock." We sat down together underneath my tree. Kakarrot smiled gently and explained that he had wanted to meet me before he left for Chikyuu on the morrow.  
  
"For good this time," he added. I didn't understand what he meant so he explained. This led to his telling me of my son and my grandchildren. I wanted to know every detail, and I asked as many questions as I could think of. Kakarrot answered each one. He told me of the final battle with Frieza, Vegeta's ascenscion to Super Saiyan and beyond, the Cell Games, the fight against Babidi and Majin Buu, and his and Vegeta's subsequent Fusion. He also told me of his love for my son, and his hope that he would someday convince the proud Ouji to be with him.  
  
"Vegeta is as stubborn as ever," I said. It wasn't a question.  
  
Kakarrot chuckled softly and said, "More so, I think. But I'll just have to be as single-minded and obstinant as he is."  
  
I nodded my head in agreement and said, "That has ever been the way to deal with Vegeta. You have to break down those walls. Just don't let him wear you down."  
  
Kakarott said sadly, more to himself than to me, "This isn't a battle I can afford to lose." I took his hand in mine. My lover's son was filled with a phenomenal power but he spoke with such quiet strength.  
  
He continued, "I won't give up on him. Or us."  
  
I answered, "Then you won't fail."  
  
Kakarrot asked me to tell him stories of Vegeta as a child, and I complied readily. Thoughts and memories of my young son have been both my torment and my salvation. I told him all that I could, some stories being better left untold.and some were not mine to tell. We passed a considerable time together, and for the first time in many years, I felt hope. "You're good for my son, I think," I remarked as he stood to leave.  
  
He reached for my hand to help me up and said, laughing, "So, we have your blessing then?"  
  
I looked into his deep onyx eyes and said solemnly, "I wish you all luck, son of Bardock."  
  
I walked him toward the gates, but Kakarrot stopped me just short of them. "Vegeta no Ou," he began, "ever since my fusion with Vegeta, there has been a part of him inside of me. I think that he wants you to know that he never stopped loving you, that he forgives you for what happened."  
  
I started to cry, and Kakarrot continued, "He needs to know, Ou, can you forgive him for what he did to you?"  
  
I looked again into his eyes, they were as innocent as a newborn's yet with a wisdom as old as time. I whispered, "My death. It was not Vegeta's fault. Frieza killed me. I killed myself."  
  
Kakarrot spoke again, his voice was pitched lower, more gravelly, sounding somewhat like my own, "But these hands, I killed you with these hands."  
  
I grabbed him and held him against me as if he were Vegeta. My son, and yet not my son, a boy-man with young-old eyes. Into his ear, I murmured, "Sshh. No, child, this was never your fault. I sold my son, his body and his soul, for the sake of a planet that is no more. My prince, my child, my only son. You made the ultimate sacrifice for me and for your people. I am so proud, so honored to have died by your hands. You took me out of my misery, and were left, alone, to pick up the pieces of my failure."  
  
Kakarrot fell from my arms onto the ground. He sobbed, his mind and body wracked with a pain that was not his, but instead belonged to the man he so desperately loved. I hit my knees, and cried my pain alongside his.  
  
Some time later, our grief ran its' course. Kakarrot turned his lovely tear-streaked face toward mine. He looked so much like his father that it took my breath away. "I wish."he said, "I wish that I could take some of his pain."  
  
I cut him off kindly, "But then he wouldn't be Vegeta."  
  
Kakarrot touched my face and smiled faintly. As we rose to our feet, he hugged me, whispering, "Don't take too long here. My father sends his love from Heaven. Try not to give poor Papa as hard a time as your namesake will give me."  
  
I hugged him back fiercely, unwilling to let go of the man who was my last connection to Vegeta. He said, "I love you, " but in the voice of my son. And I cried. He left and I'm still crying.  
  
I sit under this stupid-ass tree and I cry. I weep as I never have. For my son, for myself, for my people, for my planet. For the last remnants of the Saiyan race eking out their existence on a pathetic planet I had ordered destroyed.  
  
And then I laugh as I remember my Vegeta as a baby, a toddler, a young boy.  
  
Again I cry because I will never know him as a man, as a father, as a husband, as Kakarrot's lover, as the Vegeta no Ou.  
  
My only child, my bastard heir, forever the Vegeta no Ouji.  
  
I cry and I laugh, and I cry and I laugh. And I reflect.  
  
To be continued 


	2. Reflections of a King chapter 2

Author: Cleodasia  
  
Summary: Vegeta no Ou's memories of his son  
  
Warnings: A/U; Vegeta no Ou's POV; references to male/male relationships  
  
Archiving/Comments/Suggestions/Complaints/ Ideas/Flames: You can get in touch with me at cleodasia@yahoo.com!  
  
Thanks in advance for reading/reviewing!  
  
I find it increasingly hilarious that the more I look at my life, at the choices that I made, the more I wonder at just what point the whole thing went directly to Hell.  
  
What exactly was it that tipped the balance? Was it my giving Vegeta over to Frieza's care, knowing fully what I was sending the child into? Or perhaps my bringing him to our first meeting, letting Frieza see just how beautiful and proud the boy was. Maybe it was my refusal to even consider sending the child away, as Bardock had insisted on doing with Kakarrot. Should I have let his mother's family raise him, or another of the noble families? As time goes on, I begin to question even my smallest decisions.  
  
Vegeta was a bastard child, born of a third-class warrior woman. It was a fact of which he was greatly ashamed as a boy. I fought for months after his birth for his right to be called my heir. However, despite all of my regrets, I can't bring myself to think of my life if he hadn't been in it. There was something about him, his eyes, his movements, his very being that mesmerized me from the very first time I laid eyes on him.  
  
He was a beautiful baby, but he was also a huge pain in the ass. This was true from the moment he was conceived, I think. I had a lover, my guardsman, Bardock, and I had never before sought the company of a woman. But this one, she was amazing. I went with a group of lower-class soldiers to observe their techniques at, well, destroying stuff. It was a full moon, and while I was able to control the Oozaru transformation, I couldn't control its' effect on my libido. I saw her, I wanted her, I took her. She was a wild thing, and could have killed me if she had so wished. I was her king, however, and therefore she obeyed me without question. She was a black-haired, black-eyed witch, with a whirlwind temper and a lashing tongue. I never really knew her, but her spirit lives on in Vegeta.  
  
Not until she was nearly six months pregnant did I realize that I had begotten an heir. The woman was severely ill, and her captain brought me the news that she was dying due to complications to her pregnancy. I was so shocked at the thought of having a child that I ran from the throne room without a word to my guards or advisors. I was shown into the woman's hospital room with much bowing and scraping. She had already fallen into a coma, one from which she would never awaken. Bardock followed in on my heels, but had the sense to keep quiet. I was in shock.  
  
The doctors had taken the baby from her womb almost three and a half months before term. My small son lay inside a special incubator, hooked to so many tubes that I could hardly see any of his flesh. Needles in his hands, his feet, his stomach, even in the soft parts of his skull. Had I any doubts about his parentage, though, they were quickly erased. He was my spirit and image, as close to an exact double of myself as a child than could be imagined. But he was tiny, so incredibly tiny. Everyone was convinced that he couldn't possibly survive.  
  
I had many theories thrown at me over the years as to why the mother had taken ill. The most ridiculous of these (and the one Vegeta had the misfortune to overhear when he was still a small boy) was that my blood and his mother's, being of two different classes, had warred inside her body and that he had survived (due to having elite-class blood) by poisoning his own mother.  
  
Bullshit is what it was and I told them so. The woman had been relentless, and unstoppable. I found out from her captain that she had been out on a drill not a day before she had been hospitalized. Five and a half months pregnant, and she was still following the same rigorous training schedule as if nothing had changed. I was furious. Not only had she kept the knowledge of my son from me, but she had effectively killed herself and the baby as well. Her drive, her single-minded sense of purpose, these are the traits that Vegeta inherited from his mother.  
  
The woman died when Vegeta was only a week old. Her family wanted to take him from me, but he was quite obviously my son. I had no intention of sharing, and never once entertained the idea of giving him up. I refused to let them even visit the child. I wasn't allowed to see him again until he was four weeks old, nor did I hold him until he was about three months old. By that time, he was bonded with no one, and was as cold and distant as a baby could be. And the way he looked at me.as if I were the bastard son, and he the Saiyan no Ou.  
  
He was still so very small that I was afraid to take him away from the hospital, but three of his nurses had already handed in their resignations. When asked to give her reason for leaving, one of them said simply, "He's evil."  
  
And he was. For something so small to cause so much damn trouble.it was amazing to me. He was loud, cranky, and demanding, but he was so cute that I couldn't drown him. Oh, that's horrible, I would think, and then he'd start in again. A high-pitched wailing that was like an axe through my skull. It was finally determined that Vegeta had inherited a genetic disease, common to the nobility (inbreeding NOT being a good idea) in which his joints ground together with every move he made. Vegeta raised so much hell, that I couldn't even get a nanny to stay with him.no amount of money could endear my son to them. In fact, Bardock was the only person, besides myself, who seemed to like the baby. I was forced to care for my son without nurses or nannies, without help of any kind, something none of the royal family had done in sixteen generations or more. I was completely clueless, and he knew it. He did what he wanted, got what he wanted, when he wanted it.  
  
To be perfectly honest, Vegeta could be a spoiled little monster. He was two years old when I finally figured out the best way to punish him. I had tried spanking, yelling, pleading, bribing, and even crying and nothing had worked. His first word had been "NO" and it was also his favorite one.  
  
One day I became so fed up with his tantrums that I just ignored him. Surprisingly enough, it worked like a charm. He broke my first advisor's nose, he bit my second advisor's hand (they still hadn't learned to stay away from him during one of his fits).  
  
And still I ignored him.  
  
He cried long and loud, but when nothing happened he finally just shut up. For the first time in two years, that little mouth closed.  
  
Silence.  
  
Then he finally did what I had told him to do (picking his shoes off the floor, I think). I learned something about Vegeta that day. He was small, he would always BE small. But as long as he could talk big and make a lot of noise, then someone would have to pay attention to him. By ignoring him, I was able to hurt him more than if I had beaten him black and blue.  
  
He must have been about four when he began his training under Bardock, among many others. Vegeta was a warrior-child, a fighter from his first breath. Unbeknownst to me, Vegeta had a plan. A crazy plan, but coming from the mind of a four-year-old, it was sheer brilliance. Some fool (probably me) had mentioned to the boy that the closer a Saiyan gets to death, the higher his energy potential rises. So Vegeta made up his mind to get his ass kicked as often as possible, as badly as he could stand.  
  
It wasn't that difficult, considering what a smart-ass mouth he had. Also, pain had been a constant companion of Vegeta's since his birth, and it probably still is. He never let it stop him from training, actually using the pain as a way to focus his energy. Beating after beating he took, and never fought back. I was at a complete loss, and was tempted to have the much-older children brought up on charges, no matter what Vegeta had said or done. Finally he told me of his plan to become a Super Saiyan. I was astounded, and actually quite proud of him. He wanted to augment his own naturally small potential, and to do so, he subjected himself to almost daily beatings. He was a bad little son-of-a-bitch. He knew it, too. It was with this attitude that he first attracted the attention of Lord Frieza.  
  
For some unfathomable reason, I let the boy come with me the first time I met with the changeling, Frieza. It was a meeting, supposedly to contract a sort of business relationship, much as we had with other races. Destruction for hire. Something was different, I could feel it even then. He didn't want to partner with us, he wanted to own us. I was in denial, however, and was oblivious to the threat we faced. Had I known, I would have sent Vegeta to a planet so far away that Frieza could not have found him had he searched a million years.  
  
To be continued 


	3. Reflections of a King chapter 3

Author: Cleodasia  
  
Summary: Vegeta no Ou's memories of Vegeta as a child and the first fateful meeting with Frieza  
  
Warnings: A/U; Vegeta no Ou's POV; references to male/male relationships  
  
Archiving/Comments/Suggestions/Complaints/ Ideas/Flames: You can get in touch with me at cleodasia@yahoo.com!  
  
Thanks in advance for reading/reviewing!  
  
  
  
Blood.  
  
Everywhere.  
  
On my face.  
  
On my hands.  
  
Pooling at my feet.  
  
Sliding down my legs.  
  
Running down my bare chest.  
  
On the dagger's hilt.  
  
Gushing from the wound in my chest.  
  
Splattered on the hands of my son.  
  
On his face.  
  
Dripping down his bare chest.  
  
My life's blood.  
  
Deepest, darkest crimson.  
  
Glittering, obsidian eyes, welled with tears.  
  
He doesn't take his eyes from mine, and I can't tear my gaze away from him. I can think of no better way for my life to have ended. I am proud, honored to have died by those beautiful hands. I would beg his forgiveness, but it's far too late for words.  
  
  
  
Nightmarish reality. This isn't a dream, it's truth. I will never awaken from this vision. There's no sleep for me anymore, not really. Another reason why I'm stuck here in Purgatory. The IDEA of my body, I just can't leave that behind. Just as I hold on to my memories. Reliving my own death, however, is as close to a nightmare as I can get. It wasn't the moment of my death, the intense pain I felt, or even the horrifying image of a son covered in the blood of his father. It was the knowledge that I had caused this through my own cowardice and ambition. And yet, there was something strangely comforting in the feeling of my heart struggling to beat around the metal blade. I knew, I KNEW, I had know all along that it would all end in my death. From the moment I gave Vegeta over to Frieza's care, from the moment I even entertained the idea, there was no other possible ending. I wanted to die. I wanted someone else to take responsibility. I died happily, readily. And left my son to face his future alone, to live with the fact that he had taken the life of his father.  
  
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~  
  
Vegeta was nearing five years of age when I first met with Frieza. I know this only because Bardock's son Kakarrot had just been born that morning. My lover was still glowing with pride as we stepped into my main throne room. The changeling was already there, seated in my throne, awaiting my arrival. It was a breach of Saiyan etiquette, of Saiyan law, that had my advisors and guardsmen visibly upset. It wasn't a battle I cared to fight, not over something that small. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ I should have.  
  
I should have stood up to him from the beginning, even if it had meant my death.  
  
To let him know that I could not be pushed, that I was not afraid.  
  
But I was. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I walked in as if nothing were out of place. Bardock, directly behind me, took my lead and said nothing. Vegeta, on the other hand.that precious, foolish child. He had never kept his mouth shut before, and he sure as hell wasn't going to now. Everything was a point of honor with him.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I don't know why we let him come, or why we let him stay. I blame myself, I blame Bardock, but mostly I blame Fate. It happened, it had to happen, it was supposed to happen. I KNOW this. Still, all I want is just one chance to run into that room, pick that arrogant child up by the nape of his neck, and RUN. And never, ever stop.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Vegeta followed in behind Bardock. The little Ouji was pulled up to his full height. His nose was up, his obstinant chin in the air, and he was swishing his tail behind him. Oh, that tail. I have re-lived this moment a thousand times and every time I ask myself, why? Why was his tail not wrapped around his waist as it usually was? I can only guess that he was nervous, picking up on the mood in the room.  
  
As Vegeta finished the distance to stand by my side, I noticed Frieza's attention move from our conversation to Vegeta's tail. It was gorgeous, an incredible color that matched the reddish streaks in his already-darkening hair. "Well, hello there, little monkey, " Frieza said in a husky voice.  
  
Vegeta merely stared at him, not deigning to answer. Frieza chuckled and said, "My, my small one, what's the matter? You seem upset."  
  
Vegeta no Ouji glowered and answered in his high, carrying voice, "I'm not a monkey, and you don't belong on that throne." Frieza raised an eyebrow and I cringed. I leaned over, and attempted to hush Vegeta before the situation got out of hand.  
  
He just kept on talking. "That is the throne of the crowned heads of Vegetasei. Sixteen generations of the family Vegeta have ruled this planet. My father is the Saiyan no Ou. I am his Ouji. And you are nothing but a slimy, disgusting piece of worm-ridden filth." And with that, he sniffed his disapproval of the situation in general. The young prince turned his back on the both of us, and began asking Bardock questions about the new baby.  
  
My heart was somewhere in the vicinity of my boots. Frieza let out a loud laugh and stood up. He crossed my path without a glance and went to stand directly behind Vegeta. The changeling reached out and captured Vegeta's tail in both hands. Every Saiyan in the room hissed in imagined pain. Vegeta never even blinked. He had lived with pain from the moment of his birth. The assault on his dignity, well, that was something else entirely.  
  
In a voice as clear as water, and as sharp as broken glass, Vegeta asked, "What the FUCK do you think you're doing. Get your damned hands off me. Do it NOW."  
  
Frieza reluctantly let go of the boy's tail, but as he did so, he ran his fingers through the soft tail fur. It was an extremely erotic gesture, one that would have been out of line had the boy been fifteen instead of five.  
  
Before any of us could react, however, Vegeta had already taken matters into his hands. It happened so fast, without any warning, that Frieza was taken completely by surprise. As soon as his tail was out of Frieza's grasp, Vegeta turned and was in the air. He slammed his forehead into the changeling's nose with such force that Frieza fell backwards onto the ground. His nose gushed amethyst blood, but Vegeta wasn't through yet.  
  
I screamed at him, tried to pull him away, but his rage was so great he never heard me. Vegeta's natural bloodlust had taken hold. He had tasted first blood, and he wanted more. In the time it took for Bardock and I to get the boy off of Frieza, he had already landed five more, rather devastating blows.  
  
We finally wrestled him away, and Bardock ran out with the boy in his arms. Vegeta was still throwing punches and screaming curses. Remembering that day, I don't see how Vegeta could have impressed the changeling any more. Proud, arrogant, beautiful, already physically striking, fiery-tempered, with a mouth that could flay skin from bones.  
  
Fool that I was, I did not challenge Frieza. I had more than enough reason. The boy had been molested in front of my very eyes. Cowardly, stupid fool that I was, I let matters stand. The child had been extremely frightened to have lost his control so completely. And I, his father, did nothing. I apologized over and over, not to my son, but to the monster Frieza. And so I sealed my fate.and Vegeta's.  
  
We continued our discussion and finally reached a mutually beneficial deal. It was a hell of a lot of money, and an alliance with one of the strongest beings in the universe.  
  
It was the beginning of the end. Frieza left late that evening, laughing about that hellatious little son of mine. The seed was sown, his attraction to Vegeta already present.if only I had known then what I know now.  
  
I went to Bardock's quarters to see to Vegeta. My son was standing quietly over the baby, Raditz and Turles flanking him. Bardock motioned me outside, closing the door behind us. He told me off for my reluctance to take up for the child. "Dammit, Vegeta, you should have ended the deal right then and there. He assaulted the boy. Ouji-sama was only taking up for himself! He's small for his age, he could have been seriously hurt. I don't know what the hell you're trying to accomplish."  
  
My voice rising, I interrupted him, "Power. An alliance with Frieza brings us a steady income and physical security."  
  
Bardock screamed at me, "For whom, security for whom? Not your son. He's in grave danger. That was lust in Frieza's eyes. He knew exactly what he was doing to the boy!"  
  
I just shook my head at him, saying, "Nothing will happen. We need him. We can do more, be more, than we could be on our own."  
  
My lover said disgustedly, "It isn't worth the price we'll be asked to pay."  
  
I asked him if he'd had a vision of the future. He said cryptically, "What future?" I thought he was just angry with me, but he could feel it, too. The sword hanging over our heads, the danger just around the corner.  
  
I turned my back on Bardock, and went inside to collect Vegeta. He was standing in the exact same spot, I doubt his eyes had left the spike-haired baby. The other boys were nowhere to be seen. I went down on my knees beside my son, but I was unwilling to touch him without his permission. Vegeta whispered, "Bardock is sending the baby away, on a far-away mission. I think he's afraid of Lord Frieza."  
  
I nodded sadly, and touched the sleeping baby's forehead. I said softly, "That's his choice." My son reached over and took my face in his hands. I looked directly into his eyes, something I rarely did. His dark eyes seemed to reflect all light, and it felt as if he was looking straight through me, into my soul.  
  
We stayed like that for some time, until he said softly, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you today. I hope I didn't mess it up." I was ashamed. He had fought for his dignity today, without help from anyone. And he was apologizing for it. I touched his shoulders gently, and told him, no, he had done nothing wrong and that I was not angry with me. My son looked at me as if I had given him a benediction.  
  
He worshipped me. I realized it for the first time, and it scared me to death. I was nothing. And he didn't know it. Vegeta was the single bright and wonderful thing that I had ever accomplished. I saw in him the future of my people. Obstinate and single-minded, dignified and unstoppable. Somehow he felt that he would never measure up to my expectations of him. He had already exceeded all of them. I worshipped him, my small god with his ancient eyes.  
  
We left Bardock's quarters, with Vegeta's hand in mine. Mentally, I promised Bardock that we would speak later. I would apologize, and we would make up. But the one who had been injured most that day, he looked at me as if I were the greatest being in the galaxy.  
  
I fed him some supper, and when finished, he went and bathed himself. When he was ready for bed, I went in to check on him. I was afraid that the fight with Frieza had distressed his already-aching joints. He was lying ramrod-straight in the bed, eyes closed and jaw clenched. I kissed his forehead, and asked if he wanted something for the pain. He didn't answer, so I knew the pain must be rather bad. I brought him some pills and a glass of water. He took them without a fuss. I turned and left the room, returning with some towels soaked in warm water. Vegeta shrugged out of his pajamas, and we laid the towels across his limbs. I stayed beside him until he began to relax.  
  
I took the now-cool towels away, and brought in a dry towel. I wiped away the water from his body. I kissed my son again, and pulled the covers up to his chin. Vegeta began snoring gently. I left his room and went into my own. As I closed the door, I fell to my knees and wept for my son. He was so courageous, and yet so very, very foolish. He wasn't even five years old and he had already made an enemy of the strongest fighter in the universe. I felt it in my bones, a pain that rivaled my son's, that this day had changed everything.  
  
To be continued 


	4. Reflections of a King chapter 4

Author: Cleodasia  
  
Summary: Vegeta no Ou's memories of Vegeta as a child; Vegeta has a birthday and another meeting with Frieza  
  
Warnings: A/U; Vegeta no Ou's POV; references to male/male relationships  
  
Archiving/Comments/Suggestions/Complaints/ Ideas/Flames: You can get in touch with me at cleodasia@yahoo.com!  
  
Thanks in advance for reading/reviewing!  
  
WARNING::: Extremely coarse language. I stand by the attitudes of these characters, so if you don't like swearing, please don't read this.  
  
There are defining moments in the life of every being. The decisions you make, the actions you take in these moments, they will either define or destroy you.  
  
I'm destined for Heaven, that's what they tell me. The thought astounds me. Looking back, I must have ordered the destruction of hundreds of planets during my reign as the Saiyan no Ou. I participated in many purges, and committed many atrocities, not the least of which was the horror I visited upon my own son. Despite all of this, I was given two opportunities to negate the evil done during the course of my life. The first test, it was to be my most exquisite failure.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The baby Kakarrot was only a few months old when his father sent him to Chikyuu. It was a simple mission, just a pathetic little planet in the middle of nowhere. Bardock was nearly mindless with grief, but nothing I said could convince him to let the boy stay. His older boys were taken off- planet, to a training station on one of Vegetasei's moons. I didn't realize the significance of this at the time. My mind was far too clouded by my overwhelming ambition. Bardock spoke with me only once about his fears. We argued heatedly, and it ended only after I pulled rank on him. Bardock realized that I could not be trusted to protect my own child from Frieza, much less his own precious offspring. He was taking no chances. I was laying it all on the line.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Russian Roulette. A gamble born on Chikyuu, but it is an inherently Saiyan concept. One bullet, one chamber, one gun. Put the gun to your head, and pull the trigger. If your brains aren't spattered all over the room, then you've won.  
  
To a Saiyan, the closer you get to death, the more powerful you become. Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger.much stronger. My relationship with Frieza, it was like tight-rope walking without a net. Danger, the adrenaline that rushed in my veins, it was a potent drug. I was addicted from the very first.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Young Vegeta had a new addiction as well-respect. For the first time in his life, the tiny Prince was looked at with something other than pity or frustration. Everyone who heard of his attack on Frieza was impressed. The little Ouji had won a small victory against the strongest fighter in the universe. He had landed more punches than any veteran soldier would have dared to attempt. The boys that had beaten him senseless before, they couldn't get out of his way fast enough.  
  
Vegeta's growing power convinced his instructors to move him up a few levels in training. He was so proud of this achievement, I actually caught him smiling. It was so rare, I couldn't help but laugh. His face flushed with embarassment , and my heart sang. I loved him so much it hurt. It still does.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Vegeta grew and flourished. I am ashamed to admit it, but I used this to justify my continued dealings with Frieza. The boy was fine, it had been a misunderstanding, Bardock was being foolish, nothing was going to happen.denial can be a truly terrible thing.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
We went on as usual, with hardly any changes. Vegeta had fewer tantrums, due to his being thoroughly worn out by his advanced drills. He left early in the mornings, and wouldn't return until after dark. We still managed a good knock-down drag-out fight about once a week. I never hit him, but we would scream at each other so loudly that we'd both be hoarse for days. It didn't do any damn good, and by that time, he was impossible to ignore. Vegeta knew more curse words, in more languages, than soldiers ten times his age. And he knew just about as many gestures to go along with them. I never knew where he picked them up from, and I doubt that I ever want to.  
  
Our biggest fights were over his refusal to take the pain medications for the intense aching in his joints. He never gave a reason, only maintained that it was his body, and therefore his choice. I couldn't understand why a child would choose to be in excruciating pain. Now, I think that he didn't want to show me any weakness. Death before dishonor, I've heard that somewhere, and it fits Vegeta perfectly.  
  
Another year passed, and Vegeta neared his sixth birthday. He was violently opposed to any type of fuss, especially parties. For some reason, he only approved of attention gained through his physical accomplishments or his bad behavior. Anything else, he despised with an unholy passion.  
  
His mother's family always asked to see Vegeta on his birthday, and I always refused them. He didn't seem interested in meeting them, but I'm sure that this was only for my benefit. Years later, I spoke with his grandmother, who showed me a letter written to her by Vegeta. It was on my embossed stationery, and sealed with the royal emblem. In childish scrawl, the boy wrote, "I must apologize for the loss of your daughter. I take full responsibility for her death. I am very sorry. I hope that you will forgive me someday.Signed, Vegeta no Ouji."  
  
I was astonished at the warmth of feeling expressed in the note. Vegeta appeared so outwardly cold, but he was also extremely vulnerable. In our years together, I had never once suspected that he had felt so keenly the absence of his mother.  
  
The morning of Vegeta's birthday dawned like any other. I could hear him from my bed, he was cursing so loudly. He was in intense pain, and was struggling to stay upright. I can't remember ever seeing my son actually waking up. He never minded my tucking him in at night, but the morning pains were so fierce that he would come to breakfast with tears streaking his face. If I ever attempted to check on him in the mornings, I would get a book or shoe thrown at my head for my trouble. I just let him be, taking in those first few minutes in silence.  
  
The cook had already set out our plates, and three urgent dispatches already awaited my perusal. Finally, Vegeta padded bare-footed into the dining room. He was still in his pajamas, and his unruly hair was sticking out every which way. I wished him a happy birthday. He looked at me with such disgust in his eyes that I quickly looked away. He hated everything and everyone in the mornings, especially me. Can't say I blamed him, it took a tremendous effort for him to just get out of bed. Still, he could be damned depressing to be with.  
  
We finished our breakfasts in silence, and went to get dressed. Vegeta was gone before I even stepped out of the shower. The rest of my morning was spent in meetings, taking care of general affairs of state. A meeting with Lord Frieza was scheduled for late that afternoon.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
There aren't any road-signs to tell you when a redeeming moment is coming. You just look up and there it is. Sometimes, you don't even realize that's what it was until it much, much later. At that point, you've either done the right thing or you have totally fucked yourself. It isn't fair, but that's the way it goes.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
As always, I met with Frieza in the main throne room. We stood side- by-side in front of its' large windows, as he gave me our orders. Halfway through his lecture on procedure, I heard the doors slide open. I thought nothing of it, as people were always coming and going. Frieza, however, swiveled his head around immediately. As he began chuckling softly, I turned my head to see what was going on.  
  
There Vegeta stood, in all his glory. His bare chest was gleaming with sweat and blood. The blood flowed heavily from several cuts across his chest and shoulders. His feet were bare, and his legs were covered only with a pair of black, stretchy shorts. His face was twisted in a scowl so fierce that if looks could kill, we would all have dropped dead on the spot. His tail began lashing wildly, striking his legs with some force. I had not allowed Vegeta to come into the throne room with me since his attack on Frieza, but this was the first time that I saw evidence of his extreme resentment of the exclusion.  
  
Vegeta looked from me, to Frieza, and then back to me. "What the fuck is he doing here, " he hissed.  
  
My little Ouji, with his big mouth, I wonder if he realized how much I hated him in that moment. I was the Saiyan no Ou, and I was being taken to task by a six-year old. And in front of the being I most wanted to impress. Bile rose in my throat, I was so embarrassed.  
  
Vegeta just stood there, awaiting my answer, with his arms crossed and his jaw clenched. His blood slid down his body onto the expensive carpet at his feet. I said nothing, just walked to a spot directly before him. I looked him squarely in the eyes as I slapped him across the face with all my strength. He had not been prepared for the blow, and his head snapped around on his neck. He lost his balance, nearly falling, and growled in pain. I grabbed him roughly by the chin and grated, "What the fuck is your problem now, little boy?"  
  
It was a low blow, and he was severely pissed. Surprisingly, he did not strike back. Vegeta no Ouji stared into the eyes of Vegeta no Ou for what seemed like an eternity. Those deep obsidian orbs bored through to my very soul. Tears formed in his eyes and slid down his cheeks. For the first time, he saw me as I truly was. The madness that had already taken hold of me. "Well, tiny Ouji, what is it?" I mocked.  
  
Vegeta's voice lowered and he said roughly, "I don't know, Father, perhaps I was hoping that you had grown some balls." I held his face more tightly, daring him to go on. My mistake.  
  
Vegeta spat in my face, and as I jerked away he gripped both of my wrists. Crossing them, he pulled me down until I was in a semi-kneeling position, not close enough to the ground to fall onto my knees. He whispered into my ear, "It's my birthday, you sorry motherfucker. All I ask is that you bring your head out of that bastard's ass long enough to be a fucking parent. My problem. my tiny, small, miniature LITTLE problem is that I've been in the infirmary for the past two hours. Y'see they had to put twenty-eight stitches into this god-damned hole in my back. Stitches you just ripped all to hell, Father."  
  
Fear knifed in my gut, and I craned my neck to see the damage I had wrought. "Oh my god, " I moaned. The jagged wound was nearly six inches in length, and fairly deep. The sutures had indeed been torn from his body because of my assault. The wound was bleeding profusely, and the pain he must have felt.not just physically but in his very heart. I was appalled and I could hardly speak. "Vegeta, I."  
  
He hauled back on my wrists, twisting them as he did so. I hissed in pain, and tried to get out of his grasp. It was impossible. My son smiled at me and said, "Oh, did I hurt you? I hope I broke your wrists, you bastard. Don't worry, I'm sure Lord Frieza will be more than happy to hold your cock for you."  
  
Vegeta looked Frieza directly in the eyes and spat at his feet. He pushed me toward the changeling saying, "You can have him if you want him. He's not worth pissing on." Whirling on his feet, he powered up and blasted toward the doors. They barely opened in time for his exit.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Addiction is an extremely powerful animal. You harm the people you love the most, and tell yourself that it's for their own good. You tell yourself that the ends justify the means. All that you love, all that you have is burning down around your ears. And you don't even realize it.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Frieza was no fool. It wasn't me he wanted. He wanted Vegeta, had wanted the boy since their first meeting. He used the situation to his advantage. Concern was evident on his face, and his voice was tinged with concern. I was still on my knees, holding my head in my hands. The changeling placed his hand on my shoulder, and his energy poured over me in waves. "Never mind, Vegeta, how could you have known? This is not your fault."  
  
The guilt was already eating at my heart, but I didn't want to take responsibility for what I had done. It was so much easier to agree with Lord Frieza. He caressed my neck, almost lovingly, and said, "No, the boy is obviously unstable, and much too aggressive for you to handle on your own. I think that he would be better off being raised by a warrior. You're a king, you have far too many things on your mind. You mustn't concern yourself. You should let me take him for a while, I'm sure he'd make an excellent student."  
  
I pulled away from his touch, and said quickly, "No, my lord, that won't be necessary." I stood up and as I did, Frieza took my chin in his hand, holding me as I had held Vegeta, "Hmmm. Well, you will think on it?"  
  
And I said yes.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Frieza had won already, I just didn't know it yet. He saw, perhaps even Vegeta had seen, my love for my child warring with my jealousy of him. My son was powerful, beautiful, willfull, honorable, obstinant, noble, and beneath his arrogance, so very loving. I was none of these things. I would never have half the strength of will, the overwhelming pride, the insane courage that defined my son. And some part of me despised him for my weakness. He was everything that I could hope to be. And in that moment of hesitation, Frieza knew that he could take the child from me.  
  
I fought the bastard for months, but he wouldn't give up. I loved my son desperately, even as I envied him, and I denied Frieza time and time again. It was only a matter of time. He just had to find the best way to convince me.  
  
To be continued 


	5. Reflections of a King chapter 5

Author: Cleodasia  
  
Summary: Vegeta no Ou sees what might have been.  
  
Warnings: A/U; Vegeta no Ou's POV; references to male/male relationships; references to my sister Talon's original character, Sage.(if you haven't read her work, please check her out, you can find her at Mediaminer.org.)  
  
Archiving/Comments/Suggestions/Complaints/ Ideas/Flames: You can get in touch with me at cleodasia@yahoo.com!  
  
Thanks in advance for reading/reviewing!  
  
A body lies in state, awaiting cremation on the morrow. The face is very familiar to me. It is my own, yet considerably older. This man has lived a full life, a good life. His face is marred by wrinkles around his mouth and eyes, lines from laughing. His hair and goatee are striped with silver, his tail shaded with grey. The signet ring on his right hand catches my eye, and I inhale sharply. Sixteen small diamonds. I count again, to make certain. Sixteen generations of the family Vegeta ruled planet Vegetasei, I am the last king. The planet is destroyed, there will be no more kings. This is my body that I'm observing. "This isn't right." I think to myself.  
  
I look around, struggling to comprehend. I'm in the King's Room, a large bedroom in the old part of the palace. I never slept here.too many ghosts. Tapestries, draperies, bedding, carpeting, all done in deep crimson. Blood-red, I call it. I move closer to the body, curiosity overwhelming any anxiety. I touch the corpse gingerly, unbuttoning the black coat covering his chest. A black tunic under the coat halts my investigation. I rip the fabric away from his heart. No wound, no scar. I slide my hands over the unblemished chest, not believing my eyes. This is MY body, I couldn't mistake that. The birthmark on my left shoulder, it is distinctive. Other scars, from long-ago battles and passionate bouts of love-making. All mine. I don't understand what's happening. This isn't truth, it's madness. "It didn't happen this way. I didn't die here."  
  
My thought is cut off by the clamber of heavy boots. Sounds like an Honor Guard. I can make out little of their conversation. I step away from the body, fading into the shadows. I somehow doubt that anyone will be able to see me, and I don't know that I want them to. The large doors open, but only one man enters. He closes the doors behind him, and crosses over to the bed. My son. Vegeta no Ouji. A man grown.  
  
He is exquisite. Compact, but well-built. Muscular, broad-shouldered, slender-waited, with strong thighs. He complexion is dark, his tail is auburn, it matches the streaks in his otherwise pitch-black hair. His eyes are also black. Strangely, they seem to reflect all light. A proud, beautiful man. Hot tears wash down my cheeks. He is all that I had hoped he would be.  
  
Vegeta nears the bed, removing his heavy black cloak. He deposits it on the floor, taking off his gloves and leaving them as well. His bare hand snakes out and caresses the forehead of his father. His long, sensitive fingers feather across the forehead, and then thread through the silver-and-auburn strands of hair. Leaning over, Vegeta lays a kiss on the king's brow. He stands away, and tears are clinging to his long eyelashes. He wipes them away with one hand as he moves a nearby chair closer to the bed. He sits down heavily, painfully. I can hear the joints in his knees and hips groan in agony. He doesn't react at all to the discomfort. My son leans over, head in hands, and begins to sob uncontrollably. I move to his side, stroking his shoulders, but he doesn't feel my touch. I speak his name, but he doesn't hear my voice. I am helpless to assuage his grief.  
  
Vegeta stays this way for some time, his weeping eventually giving way to silence. A soft knock at the door startles him, and he calls out harshly, "Come." One of the doors opens slowly and another man enters. He is tall, nearly a head taller than my son, with long legs and a powerful body. I recognize him immediately, his unruly spikes a dead giveaway. Kakarrot. Here, on Vegetasei. This is insanity.  
  
"Impossible," I think, "he left as an infant, never to return. I'm in shock, and I'm frightened by the situation. It's as if I've been picked up and dropped into another world, another time.  
  
Kakarrot makes his way over to Vegeta, and places a hand on the back of his chair. "My Lord, the people await your arrival, " Kakarrot rumbles, his voice unnaturally deep. Vegeta looks up at the younger Saiyan. He says nothing, but Kakarrot sees the pain in his eyes. "Oh, Vegeta.you mustn't grieve like this. His Lordship never liked to see you upset."  
  
Vegeta laughs harshly, saying, "You're right, he didn't. But he's gone now, and I'm still here."  
  
Kakarrott gets down on his knees in front of Vegeta. He takes the smaller man's face into his hands. "Lover, " he says softly, "You are strong. You will live through this. We need you to be strong for us, and for your sons."  
  
This strikes me. This is wrong. I remember well Kakarrot's visit to me in Purgatory. He told me of my grandsons, Trunks and Sage. Wherever I was, things had changed drastically. The thought flickers in my mind, "Vegeta didn't kill me here."  
  
My attention returns to my son and his beloved. They are truly magnificent, the love flowing in and around them is palpable. Kakarrot says, "This coronation is important. I know you don't want to be seen right now, but the people need to know they have a king."  
  
Vegeta's harsh voice grates, "He isn't even cold yet."  
  
Kakarrot places a finger on my son's lips, silencing him, "Baby, you don't have any choice. The coronation must take place now. You are the king, you have been from the moment of your father's death. But the people are frightened. Vegeta no Ou was a good man, a good king, and so will you be."  
  
Vegeta shakes his head, "I'm not like him."  
  
"Yes, you are, " Kakarrot responds, "He always said that you were his spirit and image---'cept for your mouth. Got that from your mama."  
  
Vegeta chuckles, and then looks away guiltily. Kakarrot rises from his knees, and kisses his prince gently on the nose. "Dear heart, the King loved to laugh. He adored hearing you laugh. You do him no dishonor by continuing to take joy in life. Your father is gone, but his spirit lives on in you and in your sons. Smiling, laughing, loving, these are the gifts that you have been given."  
  
Vegeta stands as well. Both men return to the side of the bed and look down at the body. At me, at my older self. As Vegeta slides his arm around his lover's waist, Kakarrot kisses the top of Ouji's head. He rubs his palm in soothing circles on Vegeta's back. Holding hands, they say a prayer together, and when finished both go to their knees in great reverence.  
  
Vegeta kisses the cold face for the last time. Kakarrot takes the frigid hand in his for a moment. They turn and leave the room. The doors slam shut.  
  
I am alone.  
  
Twice dead.  
  
Finally, I know this for what it truly is.  
  
A dream, a vision, a prayer.  
  
What might have been. What could have been. What SHOULD have been.  
  
My son, my heir, my only child, finally happy.  
  
Able to laugh freely, able to live freely, able to love freely.  
  
The seventeenth Saiyan no Ou.  
  
Damn it all to a fiery hell, I caused this future, my son's future to die. He would never be crowned King Vegeta, because there was no fucking planet for him to rule. It was gone, forever. I had destroyed it, as surely as I had destroyed the life of my son.  
  
My Vegeta.  
  
Forever the Saiyan no Ouji.  
  
I have no one to blame but myself.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Reluctantly, I pull out of the trance. I had almost convinced myself of this new life, this new world in which I had been loved, respected, and revered. I'm in the same spot I've been in for the past thirty years. My little spot in Purgatory, my own personal Hell, saved especially for me.  
  
I can never forgive myself, and I hope that no one else does. I refuse to take my place in Heaven, until I see my son again. Until he absolves me of the crimes done against him.  
  
I am compelled to relive every moment of my live. And it all comes back to this simple fact. I gave my son to a monster. No matter what my reasons, even had they been completely altruistic, I brutally betrayed the only person I ever truly loved.  
  
I can't deny what I did, as much as I want to. All I can say is that at the time, I thought there was no other choice.  
  
To be continued 


	6. Reflections of a King chapter 6

Author: Cleodasia  
  
Summary: Bardock comforts young Vegeta, as Vegeta no Ou looks on.  
  
Warnings: A/U; Vegeta no Ou's POV; references to male/male relationships  
  
Archiving/Comments/Suggestions/Complaints/ Ideas/Flames: You can get in touch with me at cleodasia@yahoo.com!  
  
Thanks in advance for reading/reviewing!  
  
  
  
After my assault on Vegeta, the next few hours took on a nightmarish quality. Frieza departed, saying that he would speak to me again soon. I saw him off, then went to find my injured son. He was nowhere to be found. He had not returned to the infirmary, and this concerned me. He was bleeding badly, and because of his small build, I was afraid that he might go into shock. I searched our quarters, Bardock's quarters, the training rooms, every place I could think of. Vegeta didn't want to be found.  
  
Oddly, Bardock was missing as well. He had not accompanied me in the throne room that day, and no one knew where he was. All I could hope was that Vegeta had sought him out, and that Bardock was caring for the child's wounds. Finally, I found them in the gardens of the old palace. I felt guilty for what I had done, so I stayed away from them, observing from the cover of a large copse of trees. Neither was wearing a scouter, so I didn't worry about suppressing my ki.  
  
Vegeta was sitting on a stone bench, facing away from Bardock. The guardsman was stitching up the large gash. Vegeta was talking softly as Bardock worked over his shoulder. "He hates me, " I heard my son say.  
  
"Nonsense, he couldn't hate you. He was angry, and he lost control, " Bardock responded. He was nearly finished putting in the sutures, and his hands were slick with blood. He reached behind him to his bag and grabbed a towel. He wiped off his hands and arms. The towel was completely soaked in crimson.  
  
Vegeta would not be consoled. The pain he was feeling was nothing compared to the damage I had done to his feelings. "It's my fault. I should not have gone in there. I just wanted."  
  
Bardock didn't answer for a moment. He was tying off the last stitch. He snipped the end with his scissors, and then began gently wiping away the blood from my son's back. "You wanted him to comfort you. That's his duty as a father. To be there for you when you're hurt or scared. You are the Saiyan no Ouji, and as far as I can tell, have just as much right as your father or Frieza to be in the throne room. This was no fault of yours."  
  
"He's crazy, Bardock, " Vegeta continued, "I looked into his eyes, and I couldn't see him. Frieza has done something to him, he's controlling Father's mind."  
  
Bardock picked up the small Ouji, and sat him in his lap. I had never seen Vegeta allow someone to hold him, myself included. I gasped, as Vegeta laid his head against my lover's chest. He looked like a child for once, and the horror of what I had done to him hit me full force. Bardock spoke gently to the boy, "Bullshit. Frieza doesn't have to do a damn thing your father. Ou is more than willing to obey. His ambitions have driven him to madness, not the changeling. But Frieza is definitely using the situation, I assure you of that."  
  
Vegeta put his arms around Bardock's neck. "He's never hit me before, though. Spanked, yes, but he's never slapped my face. I'm telling you, I saw it in his eyes He hates me."  
  
Bardock kissed the small prince's hair, "Sweetheart, your father has loved you since the moment he first saw you. I think you might have seen jealousy. But there is also an intense pride of you, as well. You'll understand when you're a father."  
  
"I'm never having any children, " Vegeta said.  
  
Bardock just laughed at the statement. "Yes, well, I said the same thing, and now I have four boys."  
  
"What?" Vegeta exclaimed, "Four? I thought you had three sons."  
  
Laughing even harder, Bardock pulled the boy closer to his chest, "Turles, Radditz, Kakarrot, Vegeta. That's four, silly."  
  
Vegeta raised his head and said tentatively, "I didn't know I was your son, too."  
  
"Hasn't anyone ever told you that?" Bardock said incredulously, "Of course you are. I've helped to raise you, haven't I? It's common for Saiyan men to raise their children together. You are my son, just as if you shared my blood."  
  
A smile, an honest, open smile, spread across Vegeta's usually stern features. It had been so long since he had looked at me that way.my heart was filled with envy. I wanted so much to be the one holding my son, comforting him.  
  
They sat quietly for a while, and finally Vegeta's high voice broke the silence. "Why does everyone have to bring up the fact that I'm small. That's all I hear. Small, short, little, tiny.I'm so fucking sick of it."  
  
"Watch your mouth," Bardock said mechanically. He questioned, "If you're on the battlefield or in a training drill, and you see an opponent with a limp, what do you do?"  
  
"You work on that.you kick 'em, hit 'em, whatever, " Vegeta answered.  
  
"Exactly. It's called exploiting a weakness. You're small, that's obvious. Even more obvious is the fact that it bothers you. Sticks out like a sore thumb. And any opponent worth his salt will use that against you. Trick is, you have to learn to control your temper, or at least focus it, " Bardock said.  
  
"How do I do that? It pisses me off when they do that, like I can help being this way, " Vegeta asked.  
  
"First of all, you have to change your attitude towards yourself. It can be an advantage, being small. Your enemy underestimates you, and that's always good. Also, you're quicker, more agile than the average Saiyan fighter. Second, you must know what and who you are. Never forget that you are the prince. When you have nothing else, your pride will sustain you. Third, you have a razor-sharp tongue with a wit to match. You're extremely intelligent, use that. Do these things, and size will not even be a question in your battles," Bardock explained.  
  
Vegeta nodded. I was disgusted with myself. I had never even given a thought to how my words hurt him. How everyone immediately commented on the boy's size, not his strength or his intelligence. Too, I was angry at the domestic scene laid out before me, something I rarely received from Vegeta. I came out of my hiding place, and angrily went towards the pair.  
  
"What the fuck is this, a conspiracy?" I asked. Bardock didn't answer, just moved Vegeta from his lap and stood up. We were standing so close I could feel his breath on my face. We eyed each other, the underlying aggression was tangible.  
  
Vegeta stood up as well, but on the stone bench so that he could see what was happening. He said, "I'm six years old, asshole, I can't even spell conspiracy."  
  
I didn't even glance his way. Bardock raised his chin in defiance, daring me to make a move. He said dangerously, "Ou, I won't let you harm the child any more than you already have. He'll stay with me until we can get this sorted out."  
  
"Fuck you, " I spat, "That is my son, and I'll be damned if some low- class bastard will tell me what I'm to do with my own child."  
  
Vegeta's voice, "Here it comes. Well, I don't know about all that, Father, but I do know this. Bardock may be of a lower-class, hell, he may even be a bastard. But so am I. You've got a hell of a lot of nerve throwing that insult around."  
  
Bardock cut him off, "Yes, I knew it would come down to this. I'm your lover, until I disagree with you, then I'm your whore."  
  
Vegeta again, "Yes, well, you may be his whore, but I'm his new punching bag."  
  
I stopped them, growling low in my throat, "Whatever you may be, I am the king. I command the both of you. You belong to me. Do not fuck with me."  
  
Bardock grabbed my head with both hands and yelled, "I will kill you if you ever so much as look at that child the wrong way! Do you understand? I don't care who you are. Put me in prison, torture me, kill me, I don't care, I will protect that boy with my life. Even against his own father."  
  
Vegeta stepped down from the bench, and pushed in between us. "That's enough. The both of you. I'm going with Bardock and that is that. If you try to harm him in any way, I will raise up all manner of hell. I'm not afraid of you. I will come home when I'm damn good and ready and not a moment before."  
  
I relented, stepping away from them. "Fine, have it your way. I came out here to apologize to you."  
  
Vegeta interrupted, "Fine. You've apologized. You're very sorry, and it will never happen again. I accept your apology, now get the fuck out of my way."  
  
I tried to stop him, but he just shrugged off my hand. Bardock grabbed my wrist. "Leave him be, Ou, he doesn't need your kind of help."  
  
I watched them leave, and the ache in my heart was crushing. The two of them were so precious to me, yet they couldn't stand to be near me. I didn't know what to do to get them back. I couldn't control them, but I could definitely use my power to make life difficult for them. I could at least make Vegeta come back to me.  
  
Vegeta stayed nearly a month with Bardock. When I returned later that evening, all of his things were gone. It was as if I had never had a son, like he had never been born. I saw him periodically, but I didn't go to him. I had other plans.  
  
The third week came and went, and I was anxious to have my son back with me. Frieza was hounding me about letting the child come with him, but I still refused him. I cut orders which would send Bardock on a mission several systems away. He would be gone for a year, and in that time he would perhaps have forgiven me.  
  
Vegeta was another story. He had a long memory, and he could hold a grudge for years. When Bardock brought him back to our quarters with his things, Vegeta locked himself in his room for five days. I was worried about him not eating, but he had a large amount of ration bars hidden in his dresser drawers. He would sneak out at night to get water, and to bathe. He refused to speak to me, and I thought I would have to him brought out of there by force.  
  
The final morning of his self-incarceration, I woke to a loud THUMP. I could hear Vegeta cursing as usual, but his voice was coming from the floor. I called his name and he didn't answer me. I ran out and brought back one of our guards. Together, we broke in the doors. I pushed him out of the way before he could see Vegeta. The child was lying in a heap near the head of the bed. I rushed to pick him up, and oddly enough, he let me. I sat him on the edge of the bed and surveyed the damage. His knees and hands were skinned from the friction of the carpeting. His lip was busted, and was welling up blood. His nose was bleeding as well. I got a wet cloth and started to fix him up. "Does this happen often? " I asked.  
  
He laughed harshly, "Eating carpet, you mean?" I nodded and he answered, "Only when it's cold out. My knees lock up and I just fall over."  
  
"I'm sorry, " I said, "That you're always hurting. I wish it wasn't like that. I'm also sorry that I added to your pain. I should never have hit you like that."  
  
Vegeta nodded, "No, you shouldn't have. But my big mouth has a way of getting me into trouble sometimes. I'm sorry, too." He hugged me, an action that shocked me. I realized that he didn't know I had sent Bardock away, and that Bardock had not told him.  
  
"I love you, Vegeta, " I said, "I want you to know that. No matter what happens, I will always love you." He said nothing, just pulled me tighter. It wasn't his nature to speak of his emotions, but I knew that he loved me, too.  
  
Again, we went on as before. There was an undercurrent of sadness, though, in our lives. We had changed. He never fully trusted me again, and for good reason. My first loyalty was to Frieza, now. And Vegeta was in more danger than ever. His one hope at salvation was away on a dangerous mission, thousands of light-years away, on my orders. Of course, I told myself that I had no intentions of sending the child away. Even as I was setting the stage for him to be taken from me.  
  
To be continued 


	7. Reflections of a King chapter 7

Reflections of a King (chapter 7)  
  
Vegeta's smile.  
  
Exquisite. Breathtaking.  
  
Like a gorgeous pearl, made only more precious because of its rarity.  
  
Looking back, I remember every smile that ever crossed my son's face.  
  
As a baby, his chubby little smiles, accompanied by coos of joy, when I blew on his toes and his neck.  
  
Vegeta as a toddler, always asking "Was sat?" I would answer him and he would reward me with a big grin.  
  
Vegeta as a young boy, his smiles few and far between, but when he did smile it was like the sun breaking through the clouds.  
  
His familiar one-sided smirk, sarcastic, sardonic, a man's cynicism on a child's face. And I remember most of all the very last time I saw him smile.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
A rare morning, indeed. I awakened to an unfamiliar sound.Vegeta's breathing. He was standing beside my bed, quietly, just staring at me. It was unnerving, considering that the child had never before came to my bedroom. If he ever had nightmares, he had never once asked to sleep in my bed. I reached up with one hand, and touched his arm. He stiffened, almost as if he had been in a trance. "What is it? Are you alright?" I asked softly.  
  
Vegeta nodded his head, and whispered, "Can I get in bed with you?"  
  
"Of course, " I said, turning back the covers. He got into bed, and curled against my side. I held him around the shoulders. He curled his feet against my thigh and I yelped. "Hey, you, your feet are like ice!"  
  
He started giggling, and I tickled his ribs. Vegeta tried to push me away, but then thought better of it. He bent his knees, and put his cold toes under the hem of my nightshirt. "Aaahh!!" I screamed, and he just laughed harder.  
  
We wrestled for a while. I pinned him down and then let him pin me. I grabbed his arms and pulled his face down where I could kiss him. He moved his head from side to side, trying to get away from me. It finally ended when he got aggravated and bit my chin. We laid back down, his head on my chest, and went back to sleep.  
  
Vegeta woke me up a few hours later. I had already missed most of my morning conferences, and he had missed his training. I don't think either one of us cared. I made him breakfast and as he ate, he talked. About everything. His instructors, his training drills, why he liked bacon rather than sausage, how much he hated his new cloak, his plan to be a Super Saiyan, about anything that came into his head.I had rarely heard him string two sentences together, but that morning he talked to me for hours.  
  
Vegeta was having a match later that afternoon and he asked me to come. It was against a much older, much larger boy, but he was convinced that he would win. I agreed to accompany him, and I sent a message to my court saying that I was taking the day off. deal with it. I felt happiness surging in my chest. I had been forgiven. We were a family again, and somehow it was better than before.  
  
I watched Vegeta as he dressed for his match. He was wiry, with lean, muscular arms and legs. As he pulled on his gloves, I shuddered to think of him using those long, slim fingers in a fight. It was like using a porcelain vase as a sledge-hammer. His feet were just as fine-looking, and I was struck by just how small he was. I was used to his size, but when compared to other children of the same age, he was incredibly miniaturized. I can't imagine why I let him fight, but I suppose that I could not have stopped him. Vegeta was born a warrior, and he will die a warrior.  
  
The match was being held near the palace, in an open-air stadium. Others in Vegeta's classes were already there, fighting. Ki blasts were forbidden, the children not being old enough yet to control their energy. Vegeta walked into the arena, his head held high. We were, of course, greeted with much pomp and circumstance, something that never failed to please my son. I noticed that while most of the boys were gathered in a group, Vegeta stood with no one. No one greeted him, beyond the initial respectful bows. He was a loner, and I wonder now if this bothered him, or if he liked it better that way.  
  
I waited patiently in the stands, in the box reserved for the nobility. None of my cousins or other family were present, so I amused myself by asking Vegeta's instructor to join me. The poor man looked shocked to be asked to sit beside the Saiyan no Ou, and I took pity on him. I asked him questions about Vegeta's progress, and he was quick to answer. He forgot himself many times in our conversation, so vocal was he in praise of Vegeta's accomplishments. This told me that he wasn't trying to curry my favor, but that the man was truly impressed by my son's achievements.  
  
A gong sounded, signaling the next fighters to ready themselves. Vegeta marched out onto the field, looking every bit the Saiyan no Ouji. My heart swelled with pride. If he was nervous or afraid, it didn't show in the least. The other fighter was a twelve-year old boy, extremely large even for a Saiyan. The child's name was Nappa, and the instructor informed me that Vegeta had not only requested this fight, he had actually issued a challenge.  
  
I was worried, I must admit. This child seemed to be more than capable of tearing the small prince apart. Vegeta barely reached the giant's chest, but he looked totally confident.  
  
The beginning gong sounded, and before it had even stopped echoing, Vegeta was off his feet. He crashed head-long into Nappa's chest, his fists and legs flying. The other boy was slow to react, and Vegeta's natural speed and agility were to his advantage. Nappa swiped at Vegeta's head with one large fist. I cringed, but the blow missed by a mile.  
  
Vegeta was moving so fast that I almost couldn't follow his movements. He would land a punch or a kick, then blur and reappear, only to land another blow. Nappa was becoming agitated. Vegeta kicked out and Nappa's head nearly twisted off his neck. He was growling so loud I could hear him in the stands. Vegeta wasn't intimidated in the slightest. He was working on Nappa's knees, kicking them each in turn. When the older boy reached down to fend off the attack, Vegeta head-butted him. Nappa raised his hand to his nose, and Vegeta flashed behind him and kicked him in the back of the knees. He dead-legged and toppled over. The match was finished in a matter of minutes, but Vegeta had a little something extra planned.  
  
Nappa was writhing on the ground, moaning in pain and frustration. Vegeta stalked over, and leaned into the giant's face. I heard him say, "Now, who's the pathetic weakling?"  
  
The older boy didn't answer. Vegeta sighed. He stood up and kicked Nappa directly in his face. Blood spurted onto the ground. He squatted down beside the boy again and asked, "Who is? Who is the pathetic weakling, Nappa? I'm giving you just one more chance to get this right. I know you're stupid, but you can't be that fucking stupid."  
  
Holding his nose, Nappa began violently shaking his head. He groaned, "No, Vegeta-sama, I'm sorry, please, I'm the pathetic one."  
  
Vegeta nodded his head. "Very good, Nappa. I'm glad we had this discussion. Now, on another note, I'm afraid I have to make an example of you. This way, I won't have to go through this with any of your friends." He grabbed Nappa by his waist, and picked the other boy up, high above his head. Everyone, including me, gasped in astonishment.  
  
Vegeta said loudly, "Listen up, 'cause I'm only saying this one time. I'm small. So what. Get the fuck over it. I don't care how big or strong you think you are, I will stomp your ass into the dirt. I've fought Frieza, and I'm still alive. I fought your muscle-man, Nappa, and I'm the victor. So, any of the rest of you motherfuckers wanna piece of this, just step your asses on up."  
  
The gang of boys all seemed to step back at one time. I could hear them all begin talking at the same time, "No, Ouji-sama, we don't have a problem." , "My lord, we're sorry if Nappa bothered you", "It will never happen again, Vegeta-san ".  
  
Vegeta laughed as he hefted the large boy toward the crowd. "Yes, well, let's see that it doesn't." He slapped the dirt from his hands and knees, and walked off the field, completely unscathed. I was dumbfounded. This was incredible.if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.  
  
I rushed out of the stands to meet Vegeta. He was waiting for me, looking towards the palace. I called his name, and he turned his face toward me. My god. He was simply stunning. His eyes were lit with black fire, and his face glowed with pride. And that smile. His smile spoke volumes, it told me so very much.I'm proud, it said, are you proud, too? I was and told him so. I grabbed him around the waist and hugged him tightly. Vegeta didn't fight me for once, just gave as good as he got.  
  
I pulled out of the embrace, asking, "What the hell was that all about? Why didn't you tell me this was going on?"  
  
He just shook his head. "No, Father, I had to take care of this myself."  
  
I ruffled his hair, and he glowered at me. "Well," I said, "you certainly took care of it, alright. Boy, you are Saiyan down to your very bones."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
We returned to the palace, and as soon as we did, I was met by a covey of anxious advisors. "My Lord, " they started, before I could even get inside. Vegeta just rolled his eyes, and started walking towards our quarters. I held up my hand, halting the flow of words. "Vegeta, " I called.  
  
He looked back at me, that incredible smile still spread across his face. He raised one eyebrow. I called out, "I'll be home later. I love you." He nodded and turned away.  
  
I wouldn't see my son for another two years.  
  
I never saw him smile again.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I looked back at my first advisor, he looked like he was about to piss his pants. "What the fuck is going on. It can't be that bad."  
  
Their heads all started nodding in unison.  
  
"Goddamn it, if someone doesn't start talking fast, I'm gonna blast the whole lot of you straight to hell," I screamed. Vegeta was a bad influence.  
  
Second advisor yelped, "Highness, it's Lord Frieza." He broke off speaking, and looked over his shoulder. The others just nodded. I waited. No one said anything. "Well?" I asked impatiently, "What about Lord Frieza?"  
  
First advisor whispered, "He's here, sir."  
  
I just looked at him. Finally, I said, "And.?"  
  
One of the others piped up, "He wants to see you, sir." That set the rest to bobbing their heads again.  
  
"And that's the emergency? Frieza's here and he wants to see me?" I mocked. More nodding. I was exasperated. I yelled, "You stupid bastards stay here. I get so fucking tired of your incompetent bullshit."  
  
I turned and headed toward the main throne room, but not before I saw the looks of gratitude on their faces. "What has gotten into them?" I thought.  
  
I was about to find out.  
  
(To be continued)  
Author's note: Weirdness. I knew a few days ago, that I was gonna have Vegeta fight some kid. I wasn't even thinking about Nappa. Not even once. I was just typing, and there he was.Dasia's muse rears her ugly head. 


	8. Reflections of a King chapter 8

As I neared the throne room, I began to experience a unnatural feeling of anxiety. I could feel it in my bones, something was terribly wrong. Without thinking, I flared my ki. I couldn't even tell the difference. It was Frieza's energy washing over me, his ki level so far above my own, that was electrifying the air. I opened the main doors with much trepidation.  
  
Frieza was standing in front of the large windows, his arms crossed. His tail was whipping through the air with such speed that it whistled. The changeling turned as I entered the room, but said nothing.  
  
"My Lord." I said hesitantly. "Is something."  
  
Frieza moved so fast, his form blurred. He was in front of me, his claws gripping my neck, before I even drew another breath. "Wrong.is that what you were asking, Vegeta?" Frieza said mockingly, "Yes, something is very wrong."  
  
I choked out, "Lord.please."  
  
He hauled me closer, his breath hot in my face, "Please? You ask ME for something? Really, you must be joking."  
  
I gagging, his nails are digging into my larynx. I can't even scream.  
  
Frieza continues, "I asked you one favor. No, I asked to do you a favor. And you won't even do that." He pushes me away from him, I slam into the wall full-force. I gasp, trying to pull in some air. The changeling makes his way toward my throne, settling in its comfortable depths.  
  
I rasp, "Please, Lord Frieza, I can't send my son with you."  
  
He cuts me off harshly, "Why not? I want to train the boy. He has excellent potential for one so young. He would make an excellent addition to my organization."  
  
I was stalling. Something had gone horribly wrong. Until that point, I had been able to put him off. He was determined to have Vegeta, and I didn't think I could stop him from taking the boy. No, I KNEW that I couldn't stop him. His rage was so great that the glass was starting to crack, the walls were buckling inward, and pieces of the flooring were breaking away to hover mid-air.  
  
I was scared shitless. I had never known fear like this. My limbs were trembling as I attempted to stand. My eyes were dilated, my pulse erratic. The Saiyan in me wanted to fight to the death, but I was crippled by panic. I had gotten us into this situation.and there was no fucking way out.  
  
I spoke quietly, trying not to anger him further, "I'm sure you would train him well. It's just that I'm reluctant to be without my son."  
  
Frieza smiled, "Go on."  
  
I continued, "I've raised him since he was an infant. Vegeta means everything to me."  
  
The changeling raised a hand, "Now, Vegeta, don't be silly. I'm NOT going to hurt the child. Are you saying that you don't trust me?"  
  
Trick question. Either way I answered, I was fucked. If I said that I trusted him, then I really didn't have a reason to keep the child from going with Frieza. If I said I didn't trust him, Frieza would most likely kill me and take the boy. Catch-22, I believe they call it.  
  
I started talking.not answering Frieza's question. All I could hope was that he would listen to me, and have some feeling of mercy towards me. "Please, my lord, let me explain. I have loved that child since the moment I saw him. He is my life. I have never loved anything so much. You call me Vegeta, but since my Vegeta was born, I have not thought of myself by that name. Ou, or Father, or Lord, but never Vegeta. He is Vegeta. He is my legacy, my one true gift to this world. We have fought, but my love for my son has never weakened. I'm begging you. Please don't take my son from me."  
  
The monster just laughed. "Well, that was an interesting speech. Let me be honest. I think you're lying to me. I saw how you assaulted the boy. I don't think you give a damn what happens to him. No, but I do know why you want to keep him from me."  
  
I shook my head, needing to say something, not knowing what.  
  
Frieza continued, "I've heard an intriguing rumor, Vegeta. A legend of sorts. That there is a being, a mutation that exists in the Saiyan bloodlines. I believe it's called.Super Saiyan."  
  
"My lord, please, I don't understand. There is only one Super Saiyan in every thousand years, it is extremely rare. What do you mean?" I tried to grasp his words, he couldn't think that.  
  
"Vegeta is a Super Saiyan. Or he will be. I've felt his potential first- hand, and it's astonishing in one so small." Frieza explained, "And when the time comes, I don't want you to get any ideas about siccing the boy on me. No, better that I train him. Then I will control him."  
  
Dear gods in heaven. He was serious. How in the hell did he know about the legend, and how could I convince him that Vegeta wouldn't become one. After the scenes I had witnessed, I wasn't entirely sure the boy wasn't a Super Saiyan. If anyone deserved to become all-powerful, it was the small Ouji. He had worked harder perfecting his skills than anyone. Damn it, if there was such a thing as a Super Saiyan, we needed one NOW.  
  
I stutter out, "My lord, Vegeta is an exceptional child, but hardly on the level of a Super Saiyan."  
  
Frieza screamed out, "Of course not, fool! But he will be when I'm through with him."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Which is probably true.  
  
The beatings, the torture, the rape that Vegeta incurred at the hands of Frieza, these became the fuel that sparked his transformation to Super Saiyan. As I've said before, the closer a Saiyan comes to death, the stronger he becomes.  
  
Heaven only knows how many times Vegeta stared Death in the eyes, or how many things he saw that made Death look positively inviting.  
  
I had brought this monster into our midst.  
  
I was in a battle for Vegeta's life, and I had no weapons.  
  
I had no allies.  
  
I had no one to blame.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Frieza was on his feet, moving towards me. I cried, I begged, I tried to calm him down. He grabbed me by my hair and pulled me over to the windows. He forced me onto my knees, and hissed into my ear. "I'll make this simple. I don't have all day. You have something I want. Give it to me. If you refuse, then I will forced to blow up this miserable little hellhole you call a planet. All your people, including yourself and your precious son, blown into infinitesimal pieces. I won't even be scratched, and unlike your pitiful race, I can survive in space."  
  
I was hysterical, babbling wildly, "Oh no, please, I can't make this decision, no.."  
  
Frieza shook me, "Shut up! Your son or your planet. It's that simple. One of them has got to go. I'll give you ten seconds to decide.or I'll decide it for you, all of you."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Under certain circumstances, ten seconds can be a lifetime. My son  
  
My baby  
  
My Vegeta  
  
So small  
  
So precious  
  
My planet  
  
My people  
  
Monster  
  
He'll do it  
  
He won't  
  
The bastard  
  
I can't  
  
I won't  
  
He'll die  
  
What can I do  
  
One life  
  
Millions of lives  
  
He's mine  
  
So are they  
  
I can't fight this  
  
I have to  
  
I'm afraid  
  
Rape  
  
Torture  
  
Blood  
  
Cold  
  
Death  
  
I knew it  
  
He warned me  
  
Take me  
  
My fault  
  
My Ouji  
  
My heart  
  
My soul  
  
My child  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
What could I have done?  
  
I don't know. Frieza wanted Vegeta, in more ways than one, and he was more than willing to destroy the whole Saiyan race to get to him. Millions of lives on one side, my son's life on the other. A decision no father should ever have to make.  
  
What should I have done?  
  
I can't say. Had I self-destructed, I probably would not have even put a dent in the bastard. I would have killed myself, and most likely, my son. I should have fought him from the very beginning.while I still had allies. An army of Saiyans.who probably would have died, just as they did when Bardock attacked Frieza, years later.  
  
What would Vegeta have done?  
  
Good question. Wish I could ask him. One day I will. I will see my son again, and hopefully he can find it in his heart to answer all my questions. He might even forgive me.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I don't remember what happened after that. I must have given the order, or my guards would never have handed Vegeta over to Frieza. I can't imagine what he thought, what he must have felt inside. When I think of it, my heart squeezes so tightly I can't breathe. Thirty years dead, and the pain is just as fresh as if it were yesterday.  
  
I woke up days later in the hospital ward. The doctors had been forced to sedate me. The palace was in an uproar. I never realized how much the little Ouji was actually loved. There was nothing we could do. Insane plans of attack were drawn up, only to be discarded. I sent a message to Bardock. One he never answered. He never spoke to me again. I heard stories, though, of his grief. The soldiers that were nearby said his screams tore through the air, then through their minds.  
  
The worst moment was when I finally returned to my quarters. He was gone. Completely, utterly vanished. His clothing, his books, the sheets of his bed, his fucking pajamas, his very scent, nothing remained of my Vegeta. I tried to cut my wrists, but some bastard guard stopped me. They took me back to the infirmary, and put me under suicide watch.  
  
From the moment of his birth, I loved that child. The idea of him, a tiny version of myself, and yet so much more than I would ever be. I loved the way he moved, the way he spoke, his pissy little face in the mornings, his tiny feet in socks, his filthy mouth, his rare and wonderful laugh, his stunning face, his onyx eyes, his raven hair, his lashing tail, his precious heart, and his noble soul.  
  
When Vegeta was taken, when I let him be taken from me, I died. What there was of my heart, he took with him. I'll never love again.not until I see him again.  
  
To be continued 


	9. Reflections of a King chapter 9

Due to the circumstances of his birth, I was unable to bond with Vegeta. I always believed that he never bonded with anyone else. However, since Kakarrot's visit, a suspicion has grown in my mind. He told me that a part of Vegeta resided in him.an occurrence indicative of a bond. I wonder if, all those years ago, Vegeta managed to somehow create a mental bond with the baby Kakarrot. It would explain much.and it gives me hope for my son's future.  
  
Yes, the thought is comforting. The bond that Bardock and I shared was sometimes the only thing that sustained me. Although I never spoke to him again in my lifetime, our hold on each other is just as strong, even in death, as the day we first bonded. Bardock's memories have a place in my mind, and I relive them as if they were my own.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
A vision, not my own. I can FEEL the difference, before I even open my eyes. I am in a ship, one of Frieza's by the look of it. I glance down at my hands. They are large, muscular, criss-crossed with scars.Bardock. These visions are the most disconcerting, even though I have relived them many, many times. To walk in another man's steps, to see with another man's eyes, is frightening. I have to be careful, so as not to lose my sense of self.  
  
I'm standing near the air-lock. I must have just stepped from my pod. Someone is screeching orders at me, but in typical-Bardock fashion, I simply wave them off as I walk away. "Don't have time for that bull-shit." Bardock's thought, in my voice.  
  
I know where we're headed, but the thing about Purgatory is that I have to relive EVERY moment. Bardock puts out his hand and stops a nearby guard. He has incredible blue hair, and orange eyes. I don't know what species it is, but he is a beauty. "Hey, you, where can I find Vegeta no Ouji?" Bardock asks gruffly.  
  
The guard shakes his head, "Dunno. He's probably with Lord Frieza. The master likes his new pet, I doubt he's let the boy out of his sight."  
  
Bardock growls and pushes the pretty guard into the bulkhead. "You bastard, that's my prince you're talking about. What the fuck has Frieza done to the boy?"  
  
The guard raises his chin defiantly, "You mean, what hasn't he done. Your little prince is quite a piece of ass, I've heard.haven't had my turn yet, but I'm sure I'll be rewarded for kicking your sorry carcass.all the way back to Vegetasei."  
  
A satisfying CRUNCH. The blue-hair's neck is twisted completely around. There'll be hell to pay, but Bardock is already on the move. This must be stopped.  
  
Bardock stops another guard further down the corridor. "Where's Lord Frieza?"  
  
This guard is large, but he is a Saiyan. He answers respectfully, "Guardsman Bardock, I believe that he's in his chambers." The man hesitates, then whispers softly, "Ouji is with him.can't you do something?"  
  
If only we could. Bardock takes the other Saiyan by the shoulders, and gently relays the news of the guard's murder. The man agrees quickly to take care of the body, and Bardock marches away to find the monster, Frieza. He walks for some time, finally reaching the hallway to Frieza's room. Another set of guards stop him. "You need something, monkey?" one of them barks.  
  
Bardock looks at him, raising an eyebrow. "No, I don't. But Lord Frieza does."  
  
"What? What the fuck are you talking about?" the guard asks.  
  
"Well, I've got a message here from the Saiyan no Ou. I don't think you want to stop me from delivering it. Might not be good for your health." Bardock's voice is low, dangerous.  
  
"That's all fine and good, but Lord Frieza isn't even here. He left a little while ago."the guard cuts off. He isn't sure if he should tell Bardock his boss' whereabouts, but the growling coming from Bardock's throat has him nervous.  
  
"Is the Ouji with him?" Bardock barks.  
  
Both guards flinch. The talkative one says hesitantly, "Ummm.look, man.we're not supposed to be giving out information."  
  
Bardock bares his teeth, and grates, "It's a simple question. Answer it, and I won't split your heads. Don't answer, and I'll just bust your asses, then go find out for myself."  
  
They've managed to live this long in Frieza's employ, simply because they know when to duck out of a bad situation. Self-preservation wins out in the end. "The little one is still in there.man, don't go in there.you don't want to see that."  
  
Disgusted, Bardock slams their heads together. "You sick fucks.the least you could do is check on the child." They don't answer, both having been knocked out by the blow. Bardock throws them down on the ground, and runs toward the large doors. He pauses outside of them. His hands are fisted so tightly, blood drips from them. A muscle in his cheek flinches, his jaw is clenched. He knows, he KNOWS, what he will see when he opens the door.  
  
He doesn't have a fucking clue.  
  
The large doors open inward, and light cuts into the darkness. The bed is still shrouded in black, but there is evidence of a struggle. "Vegeta!" Bardock calls out. No answer... "The boy can't be dead."he thinks. He heads toward the bed. He calls again, frantically, "Vegeta!" Again nothing.  
  
Fear grips his insides.irrational fear. Bardock turns away from the darkness, and heads toward the doors. He finally finds what he's looking for, the light control-panel. He switches it on, and sighs in relief. Then his vision comes into focus.  
  
Horror.  
  
Utter terror.  
  
Blood.  
  
Everywhere.  
  
Fresh blood, scarlet and amethyst.  
  
Droplets slide down the walls.  
  
Bloody footprints, Frieza's and Bardock's, meander on the stone flooring.  
  
Caked underneath is old, dried blood, in every color of the rainbow.  
  
"My gods."  
  
Bardock turns. If I could close my eyes, I would. I know what's coming.I don't WANT to see this.I don't want to be the one that caused this.  
  
My son. He sits stiffly in the middle of the large bed, his legs are covered with a sheet. The bedding is sodden with blood and heaven knows what else. Tears stream down his face, but he makes no sound. "Mad.he's gone mad." Bardock thinks. The thought stirs him. He rushes to the boy, and speaks his name once more. Gently he whispers, "Vegeta?" The child could be mistaken for a statue, if not for his tears.  
  
Bardock is reluctant to touch the child, afraid he might push him over the edge. Something MUST be done. Vegeta is still bleeding profusely, he must be taken to the infirmary soon. Bardock reaches out hesitantly, and brushes Vegeta's cheek with his hand. The boy is startled, but the gesture works. He is back, his mind returned from the abyss. Bardock says, "Baby, it's me. It's Bardock, honey, I'm here."  
  
Vegeta's reaction is dulled by pain and loss of blood. Slowly, he whispers, "Bardock.I think I'm dying."  
  
"No! No, you aren't. You can't die. Not here, not like this.We just need to get you to a doctor, that's all." Bardock says furiously.  
  
The Ouji just looks at him curiously, as if they were having a normal conversation. "Bardock, I can't go to the doctor."  
  
"Why the hell not? Vegeta, if you don't get treated, you WILL die, " His voice gentle, Bardock is worried. The boy has been driven insane.  
  
Vegeta's voice is harsh, not a child's voice at all, "I won't go. If I get well, he'll just do it again."  
  
Bardock's body is wracked with sobs. He can't even answer the boy. I wish that I could speak to Vegeta, that I could act on this vision. Although I can't imagine what I would say. How do you explain to a child that he must continue to be brutalized so that others might live? How do you tell him that one day this will all be just a memory? His wounds are still fresh, his mind so fragile, what could I do for him, even if I had the chance.  
  
Vegeta continues, his voice softened, "Why can't you just let me die?"  
  
Bardock doesn't answer him. What the hell could he say? He picks the child up, sheets and all, and takes him out of that hellhole. Vegeta fights him the whole way. Bardock is crying so much, he nearly walks the both of them into the bulkhead a number of times. I can't close my eyes, I can't turn away, I can't change any of this.  
  
Bardock finally makes it to the infirmary. One of the medics comes out to take the boy. They were expecting this. Vegeta is biting and clawing, trying to get free. His blood is flowing freely, a deep, dark crimson. He is dying. They will save him. It will all begin again tomorrow.  
  
Vegeta finally falls to the ground, his last bit of strength gone. Bardock kneels to pick him up, and Vegeta slaps him away. The HATE in his eyes is piercing. His look asks, "How dare you save my life.How dare you ask me to live one more day? "  
  
Bardock tries to speak, he wants to tell Vegeta that he's sorry, that he loves him, but his tongue is tied. He watches as the medics prepare Vegeta for the regen tank. He will survive.he will become more powerful.the injuries to his body will be healed, but the injuries to his mind, his soul.these can never be healed.  
  
Bardock is preoccupied with the horrifying situation of which he has just been made painfully aware. He doesn't feel the sudden rise in ki. Nor do I. I just know what happens next.  
  
To be continued 


	10. Reflections of a King chapter 10

Bardock turns slowly on his heels, still shaking his head in disbelief. The beautiful Ouji, nearly dead from the wounds he has sustained. The madness that flickered in the boy's dark eyes, threatening to claim him. I can feel the hatred rising in Bardock's heart.hatred of me, of Frieza, of the entire Saiyan race. We live only because we have enslaved ourselves to the monster.  
  
Frieza.  
  
Bardock gasps in shock as he comes face to face with the changeling. Frieza is smiling widely, his eyes darkened to a deep violet. "Well, well, well.Bardock. This IS a surprise, " he hisses.  
  
Bardock is not intimidated. Frieza's ki is suppressed for the moment, and Bardock cannot yet fathom the true power the monster possesses. "You bastard.what kind of a beast are you? That is a child."  
  
Frieza interrupts, "A child that is no longer your concern.he belongs to me. I will do with him as I please." His tail is flicking lazily back and forth. Bardock's growl of frustration does not faze him. He continues, "Strange.your lover doesn't seem to be worried about his son.I can't imagine why you should be."  
  
"That child is my son.as dear to me as my own blood. I will kill you for what you have done!" Bardock lunges for Frieza's throat. The changeling sidesteps and flares his ki slightly. It is enough to knock Bardock several feet away. His head strikes against the bulkhead with a sickening crunch.  
  
As he slides to his knees, into awaiting darkness, I hear Frieza laughing, "Dear as his own blood, is he? Well, we shall have to see about that."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Bardock awakens slowly. His head is pounding intensely, he can barely open his eyes. I am amazed that he survived such a blow. He sits up hesitantly, unsure of his location or his situation. I've been here before. It is Frieza's receiving room, used for the same purpose as my throne room on Vegetasei. Bardock looks about, but there is no one present.  
  
The décor is an endless sea of purple. Deep violet, royal purple, gentle lavender, lilac, mauve, wine.shades and shades of purple. It is garish, and it has an unpleasant effect on Saiyan vision. Bardock is unable to focus properly, but cannot tell if it is from his head trauma or from the shocking coloration of the room. He lays his fingers gently against his skull, trying to assess the damage.  
  
The large doors open, and Frieza enters. Following him are a stunning array of guards, and behind them an assortment of "pets". They are shackled together, legs and arms, all of them incredibly beautiful.or they had been, once. Broken noses, bruised wrists, missing teeth, all of Frieza's playthings showed some evidence of abuse. Bardock turns his head in disgust, then winces from the shooting pain. His voice rasps, "What the fuck is this, Frieza?"  
  
"Patience, sweet. All things in their time.I have some business to attend to before I can deal with you." the changeling's voice is low, threatening.  
  
Bardock pulls himself to a standing position. If he must die today, he will die as a warrior. Bravery, courage, nobility.he embodied all of these virtues. I am proud to have known him, to have been given the chance to love him, if only briefly.  
  
Frieza continues his dialogue for some time, until he is interrupted by the opening of doors. A single guard enters the room, a small figure traipsing behind him.  
  
"Radditz?" Bardock cries out. His middle child. The boy is taller than when last his father saw him.  
  
Radditz looks up, his countenance lightens, "Papa? Why are you here?"  
  
Fear. It claws in Bardock's belly. It coils in his spine. Why indeed? What use does Frieza have with a third-class foot soldier, barely taller than the changeling himself.  
  
"I'll answer your question, my sweet little monkey, " Frieza's high voice carries throughout the room, "You see, dear one, your papa has something to tell you."  
  
Radditz looks confused, "Papa?"  
  
Realization dawns.  
  
A life for a life.  
  
A son for a son.  
  
Frieza wants a new pet.  
  
"NO!" Bardock's deep voice rings out, "FUCK NO!! Don't you lay your hands on him!!!" He races toward his son, but is stopped dead in his tracks. A shield, a force-field of ki surrounds Frieza and his minions. His son is a heartbeat away, but Bardock can't get to him. "Oh gods." he sobs.  
  
"Don't be so pessimistic, Bardock," Frieza taunts, "I don't even know if I want to make a trade.he is a rather pitiful specimen.Come here, boy!"  
  
Radditz moves toward Frieza hesitantly. Bardock is screaming at the boy to stop, to run, but the child continues as if drawn by some unseen force. Radditz halts before Frieza, and bows slightly. "My Lord" "Hmmm.well, he is respectful.more than I can say for the Ouji." Frieza says. His entourage laughs quickly, even his menagerie. They are the most fearful of Frieza.  
  
Frieza motions the boy to seat himself in his lap. Bardock is trembling with fear and frustration. He can do nothing, no matter what the bastard decides to do. Radditz moves into Frieza's lap. He doesn't know what's going on, but any chance to show up the bossy Ouji is a chance he must take. "I'm Radditz.I'm nine years old.I'm gonna be in the Royal Guard when I grow up." the boy rambles.  
  
"Nine is a bit OLD for my taste." Frieza says. Bardock surges against the field, but is knocked away. Radditz doesn't pay the slightest bit of attention to their by-play. Frieza sifts one hand through Radditz' thick black mane. He remarks, "He talks almost as much as Vegeta.did."  
  
Bardock is raving, curses flowing like water. I know this isn't real, that it is a vision of the past, but I scream my hatred at the monster along with him. "You godforsaken motherfucking bastard, you cocksucking whoreson bitch, goddamn you to an everlasting and eternal hellfire, you black- hearted." His voice runs out before his curses do.  
  
Frieza sits quietly, unimpressed by Bardock's fury. He asks the boy questions, and Radditz answers. Frieza takes the child's tail into his hand and gently caresses it. Bardock's vision turns red.and his ki explodes.  
  
The intense fire of his rage is not enough to break through to get at the beast. Finally, Frieza grows bored of taunting Bardock. He stands and puts the boy away from him. Bardock is panting with fatigue. "You.son.of.a.bitch."  
  
"She really was." Frieza laughs, "Come now, Bardock, we mustn't be rude.I'm sure you would have liked my mother."  
  
Bardock glares, "I've got a better idea.how 'bout you go fuck your mother and the horse she rode in on."  
  
"Good idea.but I already have." Frieza answers. "Enough of this. I have a perfectly good, well-trained pet. You want me to give him up. I will, on one condition." his voice trails off.  
  
"You fucker." Bardock spits.  
  
"Now. Don't be that way. I just want to make a trade. A trade in your favor, I might add. Vegeta is used goods, but he is still a prince.I'm sure you'll have lots of fun."  
  
"You're asking me to choose between my sons.I refuse to make that choice!" Bardock screams.  
  
"No, that is not what I'm asking. I'm asking you to choose between your blood-child and a bastard prince. I'm asking you to save the child that you love the most."  
  
"Oh, gods." A sob rips Bardock's throat.  
  
Radditz' voice, "Papa? Papa? Don't you love me? I don't understand."  
  
"Bardock, don't make this difficult. This IS your son. I don't want him, but if you force my hand."  
  
A low keening wail that rises from the chest.  
  
Hot tears that wash the cheeks.  
  
There is no choice, not really.  
  
Blood truly is thicker than water.  
  
And once again, Vegeta no Ouji is sacrificed to save the life of another.  
  
Crucified on the cross of my ambition  
  
Martyred for the sake of a planet  
  
A token offering of a father to his son.  
To be continued 


	11. Reflections of a King chapter 11

Reflections of a King Chapter 11  
Two long years passed before I once again laid eyes on my Vegeta. Every month.every day.every hour..every minute.every single second resounds in my soul like a death knell. His happiness, his hopes, his dreams, his birthright, his future.all dead.and I helped to wield the blade of Fate.  
  
After my son was taken from me by the monster Frieza, I became little more than a figurehead for the Saiyan race. I was still the Ou.but in name only. Frieza was our master.I was his puppet.my son his plaything.  
  
Every plea that I made to the monster only served to put me, and the planet, more firmly under his control. Perhaps I could have led an uprising against him, a thought that occurred to me on more than one occasion. However, Frieza held the one being that could stay my violence. As long as Vegeta was with Frieza, I did not dare incur his wrath.  
  
Every waking moment, my heart was filled with a pain that is even now indescribable. My grief only deepened as stories filtered back to me.stories of abuse, of neglect, of rape. My precious son.my beloved Ouji.battered.broken.beaten.a shell of his former self.his mind destroyed.damned to a life of unspeakable horror.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I was completely shattered by the loss of my young son. I knew in my heart that I would never get him back. Even if he should be returned to me, the damage incurred during his stay with Frieza had irrevocably changed him. The child that I had loved, that I had raised from birth, that child was dead. The realization that my Vegeta was gone.and that I could do nothing to save him.it broke my spirit as nothing else could have done.  
  
. I had been under heavy sedation in the months directly following Vegeta's kidnapping, due to my foiled attempt at suicide. The depressions I fell into would last for weeks, sometimes months, and I could not pull out of them without being medicated. In fact, I had been released from the infirmary not three days before my reunion with Vegeta.  
  
I prayed for insanity, for oblivion, for death. I was not insane, but many times I came extremely close. I yearned for the sweet embrace of death. Suicide would be a cessation of pain. Selfish bastard. I despise myself for those old feelings.as if I deserved to be free of my suffering while my son still lived in the jaws of the beast.  
  
My memories of that day stand out in sharp contrast to the days and months that surrounded it Frieza had commanded my presence at a gathering for my son's birthday. It was to be held on one of his ships that I now realize was the same ship on which Bardock had made his fateful confrontation with Frieza.  
  
I was horribly ill the night before, vomiting huge gouts of blood. My nerves, already stretched to the breaking point, were on the edge. If I made one wrong step, the game would be lost. All that I loved, all that I worshipped, was wrapped up in one small boy, my Ouji. I was unsure how I would react to the sight of my child, especially if the rumors were true. To see my Vegeta in pain.I did not know if I could deal with that. If I did react, it was highly probable that neither my son nor myself would live through the night.and it was a great possibility that Vegetasei would be destroyed as well.  
  
Morning broke, and I had not slept a whit. My advisors were in the room before I was even fully awake. They were all subdued, not wanting to upset my composure. "My Lord.something must be done."  
  
I had heard this same speech, from just about everyone, more times than I cared to think about. I could barely dress myself in those days, could hardly breathe the pain in my heart was so intense, and they expected me to challenge the most powerful being in the universe.  
  
I glowered, saying, "Get the fuck out of here! I won't listen to this shit!"  
  
"Ou.we don't wish to upset you.but this is your chance.perhaps you can convince Frieza."  
  
I cut him off sharply, " You know damn well there's nothing I or anyone else can do for my boy now. What the hell do you want me to do? If I so much as look at Frieza the wrong way, Vegeta will be dead. Along with the rest of our sorry asses."  
  
I turned over, tiredly, pulling the blankets over my head.  
  
"My Lord, please."  
  
"LEAVE ME!!" I screamed. They scurried away like so many insects. The doors slammed shut, and again I was alone.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
In all honesty, I was always alone. For the rest of my life, I was lonely, even if I was standing amidst a roomful of people.  
  
My son and Bardock had been the only people who had ever truly known or loved me. Without them, I was lost. There was no one that I could trust and nowhere for me to turn.  
  
Vegeta had stolen my heart.my face.my name.my soul. Without him, I had no reason for living. My continued existence was purposeless, directionless, and meaningless.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I slept most of that day.I slept away the most part of every day. My presence was not needed, as I no longer made any decisions of importance.  
  
Sleep was as good an escape as any.not as final as death, not as transient as chemicals. I still lived in the quarters that I had shared with Vegeta, unwilling to leave my memories behind, to let go of our lives together. I dreamt rarely, but when I did, my screams echoed through the palace corridors.  
  
Other days I could not sleep at all, my mind so filled with images of my son that I could almost see him before me, as if he had never left. I would be so tired, bone-weary, but I couldn't bear to close my eyes against my son. Then I would finally collapse from fatigue.and the cycle would begin again.  
  
I awoke mid-afternoon to a deafening silence. Vegeta was such a presence, even as a small baby, but more so when he began talking. The rooms were eerily quiet without his high-pitched cursing. I showered and dressed carefully. I didn't know what this was about, why Frieza had demanded my attendance, but I had a feeling in my gut that it was nothing good. I grimaced as I placed into my pocket my son's birthday gift. I wondered briefly if Frieza would even let me have a moment alone with Vegeta. I would get it to him somehow, though.  
  
One of our ships was waiting to take me to Frieza. I knew the captain only slightly, we spoke briefly before I went to my seat. I thought of going to my cabin, but was far too nervous to sleep. I closed my eyes, thoughts of my son's disastrous sixth birthday running through my mind.  
  
I must have dozed slightly, but I came to with a start. I felt a familiar presence next to me, and my confused brain called out, "Bardock?"  
  
"No, sir," came the soft reply, "It's his son, Turles."  
  
I opened my eyes and nearly fell out of my seat. Turles was nearing 13 years of age, and the resemblance between he and his father was startling.  
  
He smiled gently at my surprise, "Ou, it's good to see you."  
  
"And you, my boy.how did you come here?"  
  
Turles answered, "I'm a lieutenant now. I was just promoted, and I asked if I could accompany you this evening."  
  
My eyes softened, "Thank you, son. I appreciate your loyalty."  
  
He blushed, then said, "Ou.would you mind if I asked you something?"  
  
"No.of course not."  
  
He began speaking quickly, as if expecting to be punished for his words, "I heard from one of your guards that you haven't been eating.that you sleep all the time. I'm worried that you're making yourself sick, my lord."  
  
I laughed harshly, "I'm sick, Turles, I can't deny it. This situation is hardly conducive to happiness and good will."  
  
"Sir, I know you're upset about Vegeta, and my father. But you must realize that your suffering will not help either one."  
  
"I did not create either of these situations, Turles, so I am hardly in a position to do anything but suffer," I shot back.  
  
Turles' voice lowered, "If you would stop feeling sorry for yourself for a damn moment you would realize that my father is in just as much pain as you are. You wouldn't be alone if you would just reach out to him."  
  
"He won't speak to me. He won't even look at me."  
  
"Dammit, Ou. He won't look at you because he's ashamed. Do you know what Frieza did to him?" he asked.  
  
Fear spiked in my heart and I whispered, "What? What did he do?"  
  
"A year ago, my father tried to attack Frieza.after he found Vegeta in the monster's quarters. Vegeta was nearly dead, and Bardock barely got him to the doctors in time to save him."  
  
I choked back a sob. He continued, "Do you know what happened then? He made him choose. He threatened to take Radditz as his newest pet.in exchange for Vegeta. Frieza made my father choose between his sons."  
  
Tears leaked from behind my closed eyelids. I knew exactly how Bardock felt. The helplessness, the frustration, the self-loathing.I knew them well. "Oh, Turles, it would not have mattered. If Frieza had wanted Radditz he would have taken him.your Father had no choice.I don't blame him."  
  
"Ou, if you don't blame my father, then how can you blame yourself? I don't know what happened, but I do know that Frieza is far too powerful for anyone to face alone."  
  
I leaned over and hugged my lover's eldest son. He held me close as I cried. I felt the acceptance in his embrace. "Thank you, Turles. I appreciate your concern." I pulled away, and touched his face softly, "Better not let your commander catch you.he'll have our asses if he catches you crying."  
  
He chuckled, and stood to leave, "I'd like to speak with you later.after you return. Would that be alright?"  
  
I nodded. "It will be fine. I'm sure I'll be happy for your presence."  
  
He turned and went back to his duties. I put my hand in my pocket and took out my son's gift. A small red and black pill, palmed from the infirmary's medical stores. An end to his suffering.and to mine.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~  
  
I had come to the conclusion that Vegeta was better off dead. I could not fight Frieza, but I could outsmart him. I would take his plaything from him. However, I could not possibly kill my son, but I could give him the means to decide his future. I had little doubt that the child would choose death over continued misery. The moment my son drew his last breath, then I would finally be free to take my own life.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I arrived at my destination with little fanfare. I was met by one guard, a Saiyan, who did not seem the least bit impressed to be escorting his Ou. Turles flanked my right side. Other than my adolescent companion, I was completely without guards. Frieza's orders. I was at his mercy.  
  
I was shown into a large room, the same room in which Bardock had made his heartbreaking choice. Turles and I were put at a great disadvantage, due to the outrageous coloration of the room. Purple and purple and purple.it made my eyes burn and my head began to pound. Vegeta lived with this every day.along with much, much worse.  
  
We were seated at a large table that had been set up in the middle of the room. Our guard merely grunted, "Stay here." He turned and left us alone to take in our surroundings. Turles put a hand to his forehead saying, "Ou.dammit.this hurts.I think I'm gonna be sick."  
  
"Shh.you're not. Close your eyes until they get here. Then you can concentrate on their faces. I want you to watch Vegeta. I'm sure Frieza will monopolize my attention."  
  
"Yes, sir," he obeyed, shutting his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his nose.  
  
Out of sight, my fingers played nervously with the black capsule. I was sick as well, heart-sick, at the hand that Fate had dealt me. A father, praying for the death of his son. And willing to become the instrument of his demise.  
  
Turles and I started at the sound of the opening doors. The Saiyan guard again, commanding us to stand. We did so, and waited hesitantly. Frieza entered first, Vegeta following a little bit behind and to the left. I inhaled sharply. It had been so long since I had seen him. The urge to run to him and hug him tight was so great that I had already taken a step before Turles' hand on my arm stopped me. Damn it. The boy was MINE.and I couldn't even go to him without the threat of dire consequences.  
  
I eyed the pair warily as they neared. Frieza's tail twitched behind him lazily as he walked and Vegeta's eyes never left it. One swipe with that heavy tail was enough to break the tiny Ouji in two. Vegeta swerved at intervals to avoid the dangerous appendage.  
  
He had grown since the last time I had seen him. He must have had a growth spurt because he was almost three inches taller. Vegeta was a little more filled out in the shoulders and arms, but his face was incredibly gaunt. Shadows underneath his eyes made him look much older than his eight years. Those once-infinite eyes were now guarded and cautious.  
  
I swayed slightly as I noticed fading yellowed bruises on his neck . bruises in the shape of a hand. A small cut along his eyebrow was evident. The most frightening of all was the condition of his tail. I didn't notice it at first, his tail being wrapped so tightly around his middle. It was almost as if he were using it to comfort himself. Tufts of soft hair were missing, and I could tell that it had been broken severely at least two times.  
  
Frieza sat first, motioning for Vegeta to be seated as well. Vegeta never so much as glanced my way. He looked at his hands folded neatly in his lap, he looked at his empty plate, he looked at the floor, anything but me. Frieza spoke to me of his newest plans, as if I really had any say in what he did. We talked for several minutes as we waited for the meal, mostly my agreeing with every word he said. My mind was not on Frieza, but rather on the child seated next to him. I observed him as best I could from the corner of my eye.  
  
He twitched slightly every time Frieza's hand flew out in gesture. Imperceptible to anyone else, but to me it was like a damned red flag. The food arrived, and with it, another testament to Vegeta's agitated state of mind. He picked at his food reluctantly, a sure sign of mental anguish in a Saiyan, especially in a growing boy. Turles, beside me, was attacking his food as if it were still moving. I, too, was having trouble eating, mostly because of my raw anxiety.  
  
Somehow, we finished that interminable dinner. I felt as if I had been out on the battlefield. I had heard rumors, hell, I had known in my heart what was happening to the child. But hearing about is vastly different than seeing the evidence with your own eyes. He was being abused, neglected, and brutalized, and there was not a fucking thing I could do but stand aside and look on.  
  
A small door opened and one of Frieza's minions entered. He was carrying sheaves of paper and looked extremely troubled. Frieza stood away from the table, and told Vegeta to stay where he was.  
  
For the first time in two years, I heard my son speak. In a small voice he answered, "Yes, my lord."  
  
Dear gods. His voice was a travesty. His high voice had been musical, lilting. Even when he cursed at you, it sounded like singing. Now, his voice was gravelly. I could only hope that the damage was temporary. It was possible that he had lost his voice from screaming. Heavens forbid that it was permanent, I thought, as I looked at the marks on his neck.  
  
As Frieza left the room, I pushed away my plate, leaning backwards into the chair. Turles let out his breath softly and relaxed his shoulders. Vegeta made no movement. His eyes were still cautious, and he made no attempt to speak. I decided to make my move.  
  
"Vegeta, " I said gently.  
  
He whipped his head up and answered swiftly, "Yes?"  
  
I stood up and made as if to walk toward him. Vegeta was out of his seat before I knew what happened. He was now positioned with not only the table but also his chair in between us. The child was scared of me, visibly trembling. His dark eyes followed me as I crossed to the other side of the table. I bent down on one knee and whispered, "Vegeta, you mustn't be afraid. I won't hurt you."  
  
Vegeta said nothing, but he did slide the chair under the table. He walked stiffly to where I kneeled. I wondered vaguely if his unnatural gait was due to the pains in his joints, or if they were due to some act of violence. I held out my arms and he moved away without thinking. Something inside of me died.  
  
"Vegeta, my son, I could never hurt you."  
  
He gave me a knowing glance. He trusted nothing and no one, and with good reason. Finally, he moved into my arms. I folded him into my embrace. Vegeta stood rigidly, like a corpse. I wanted to take him and get the fuck out of there. I didn't give a damn anymore about Vegetasei or its inhabitants. In that moment, the only thing that mattered to me was my son.  
  
"Oh, baby," I whispered, "I'm so sorry."  
  
I felt his tail unwind from his waist and begin to pat me softly on the back. "It's alright, Father, it's not your fault."  
  
I began to cry. Vegeta was the one being tormented day after day, but here he was comforting me. Shame knotted in my belly. I kissed him on his forehead, saying, "I miss you so much. I think about you every day. Every minute."  
  
His eyes softened and he answered, "I miss you, Father." He spoke so softly that I almost could not hear him.  
  
The child whose voice had echoed through the halls of our palace, whose screaming had led to the resignation of three of his nurses, whose curses had become almost legendary, that child was gone. In his place was an automaton, a shell of the wild and untamed Vegeta that I had known and loved. Frieza had succeeded in doing what no one else could have. He had broken Vegeta. He had broken his spirit, his will, his mind, and now he could mold Vegeta just as he wished.  
  
I wanted to speak, I had so much I needed to say, but no words would come. Surprisingly, Vegeta spoke, hesitantly at first, "Father.whatever I did.I'm sorry.I didn't mean to.please, I'm so sorry."  
  
My stomach lurched and I quickly responded, "No.no baby.you did nothing wrong.you are not being punished."  
  
His voice lowered and he asked softly, "No?" Oh, he was being punished, but not for any sin he had committed. He was paying not for his crimes, but for mine. A blood sacrifice for my life, for Radditz' life, for the life of every Saiyan.  
  
I told him so, adding, "Oh, Vegeta, if there was anything I could do to stop this.I would do it."  
  
His ancient eyes bored into me. He answered, "There's nothing.he's far too strong.even for you. I'm trying though, Father.to become a Super Saiyan.I want to make you proud." His speech was slow, halting, as if he has forgotten how to speak. I later learned that he had not spoken for the greater part of the year following the incident that Bardock had witnessed.  
  
I hugged him again, knowing that my time with him would be brief. Frieza would not leave us alone together for long. I reached into my pocket, and pulled out the fatal capsule. "Vegeta, I brought you something. I don't know if you want it."  
  
He looked at it appraisingly and his eyes welled slightly with tears, "Oh, Father."  
  
I tried to explain, "I'm not saying that I want you to use it. Only that if it's too unbearable.I don't want you to suffer.not for me."  
  
He reached up with one small hand and caressed my face tenderly, "Thank you. It won't help me, but there's another here.he's very young, I'll give it to him."  
  
He took the pill from my hand and held it almost lovingly. Vegeta continued, "He won't let me die. I've tried before. He always makes them heal me. But.I'm not ready for death yet. I want to see..I want to see how it ends."  
  
A profound statement from one so young. He had seen things in his young life that were too horrifying to even speak of, yet he still held a belief that there was a future for him. I was so ashamed at my weakness. If he could live with this pain, then so must I.  
  
Turles, forgotten during our reunion, startled us by saying harshly, "I hear him coming."  
  
Vegeta pushed me away from him, but not in time. Frieza walked in before I even had time to wipe away the tears staining my cheeks. He smiled, a terrible smile, and said, "Well.now isn't that cute. Such a tender moment.Vegeta, I believe that I ordered you to stay in your seat."  
  
Vegeta dipped his head quickly and said, "You did, my lord, please forgive me."  
  
Frieza sauntered to the end of the table, grasping Vegeta by the shoulder. I rose to my feet, but did not interfere. Frieza relented, "Hmm.I suppose I can be lenient.this time.it is your birthday."  
  
"Thank you, my lord," came the soft reply.  
  
My jaw was clenched so tightly that the muscles in my face began to spasm. Frieza continued, "Come along now, Vegeta. Tell your father goodbye. We have much to do tomorrow."  
  
Vegeta mumbled, "G'bye, Father."  
  
My voice shook with emotion, "Goodbye, Vegeta."  
  
The pair turned and moved towards the doors. They had nearly reached them when Vegeta broke away and ran to me. He threw his arms around my neck and kissed my face. "I love you." I answered him in return. As he pulled away, I felt small hands slip something inside my coat pocket.  
  
Turles and I were escorted to our ship without incident. I did not collapse until I was in my own quarters. I was not alone, as my son was. Turles was by my side, holding me as I sobbed out my grief. I cried so much that I was sick, vomiting the remains of that godforsaken meal. I could barely walk, I was so exhausted, but the young lieutenant saw that I was put into bed. As I removed my coat, a letter fell onto the pillow behind me. Wordlessly, my lover's son handed it to me.  
  
On the front it said merely, "Ou." I opened it with much trepidation. Heavens only knew what I would find inside. I couldn't bear to read it, and Turles offered to read it to me.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~  
  
"Dear Father,  
  
I know that you are worried about me. Don't be. I'll be fine. I'm your son. I'm the Ouji. And I am strong. I will live through this.  
  
I hear that you are ill, and it scares me. I wish I was with you.  
  
He says that you don't want me, but he lies.  
  
I know that I will see you again soon, no matter what he says.  
  
Please tell Bardock that I'm not angry and that I understand.  
  
I hope that you get well. I love you. Vegeta no Ouji "  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
A short letter, but telling. Disjointed, but still coherent. Vegeta was not insane, of that I was sure. He understood to some degree what was going on. He also knew that the only way for him to survive this was to do as he was told. For the time being. Somewhere, beneath the mask that he wore, the Vegeta that I had raised still lived. His head was bloodied, and for the moment, bowed. But he would not always be small. He would not always be weak. When the right moment came.Frieza would find that his little pet was not as tame as he had thought.  
  
I held his note in my hands, reading and re-reading in an attempt to hold on to something of my Vegeta. When we landed I had to be led home by the wrist. Turles took me home, and manhandled me into the bed. I grabbed his arm and said, "You will tell Bardock? Vegeta wanted him to know."  
  
He nodded sadly, but added, "You should tell him yourself.he needs you as much as you need him."  
  
"Maybe.."  
  
"We need you strong, Ou. These depressions.you have to drag yourself out of them. You're still the king. You can still lead your people."  
  
I asked, "What do you mean?"  
  
He answered, "Father has a plan. I don't know what it is. He won't tell me, doesn't want me involved. You could help him and maybe help Vegeta. But you're no help to anyone if you're dead or in the hospital."  
  
I leaned forward and kissed him softly, "You're very much like your father. A good man. Don't worry, son, I'm strong, too. I'm a cowardly bastard, but I'll be damned if I'll let my son carry this burden alone."  
  
He left reluctantly, but for the first time in years, I didn't feel alone. I held my son's letter to my chest, and said a prayer to gods I didn't know I believed in. To protect him, to guide him, and to save him. I fell into a light sleep.only to be awakened hours later by my own screams.  
(To be continued) 


End file.
